I am really good at planning and brainstorming. I have lots, no tons, of notebooks with ideas both written down and sketched out. Some are projects for the house and property. Some are business related. Some are personal. Many of those ideas I’ve completed, many more are in some stage of progress and some have not yet even been begun. As I reflect and plan for 2017 I came to a realization. I’m self sabotaging my business.

I have focused my energy on projects that don’t have any real commitment. Many of the projects I worked on and even completed last year do relate to my business and were necessary to move forward. For instance, the corral that I cleaned and sectioned off for EGC sessions was huge to my being able to have groups and individual sessions! I felt really good about that project being completed. EGC spaceMoving the chicken coop was another necessity for the property, not so much for the business. The landscaping is personal and business related as I want things to look nice for visitors and it’s part of the overall vision I have for my business. I move into all of these projects with ease and have no problem putting energy into them.

This past winter I did quite a bit of researching and brainstorming about some different groups I would like to have this year. And this is where I self sabotage! I’ve come up with several group ideas, including Sacred Circle of Sisterhood, Buck the Bullying with the Herd, Lives Affected, Lives Lost Suicide Support Group and Summer Camp for kids. First, I get hung up on finding the perfect name. While I convinced myself that the perfect name is important, it’s really just an excuse to avoid doing, avoiding action and commitment.

I did name several of the groups so now let’s get them scheduled, right? And here comes the self sabotage again! I did actually look at my calendar and I did try to figure out a regular rotation for the groups but I didn’t, wouldn’t commit. I was trying to plan to meet on a regular basis for example; the 4th Friday or the 3rd Wednesday. Unfortunately, that’s not going to work because I already have other things on my calendar like a wedding, a horse clinic and some other out of town traveling. All very valid reasons, except I use them to shut the whole thing down.

What’s behind all of that? Fear. Fear of failure. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of judgement. How do I move past that? I’m not sure. Maybe I just need to jump in. Maybe, I need to find the day of the week that will work “most” of the time and be flexible. Let the group know that we have to either skip or do a different day for that one day that I can’t be there, instead of letting that ONE day prevent me from scheduling it all!

I know I need to move past the fear because it’s holding me back. I need to really look at that and why my chest got tight as I was typing that. There are going to be feelings of failure and disappointment when people don’t show up or things don’t go as planned and I need to accept that. I need to go to the Herd for support in that. I also need to remember the feeling I had when I completed certain projects. Those are good feelings and embracing that will help me move forward past the fear. So my action this week, besides finishing my taxes, is to put these groups on the calendar and finish writing a description for each. Trust the Process!!! Trust the Herd!!! Trust myself!!!


Michelle L. Sidun