Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

I continue to have coffee with Death each morning. I spend the time opening up to the reality and eventuality of death. My morning coffee with Death is providing me the largest playground for my mind since I was introduced to quantum physics. When I started this, I had the feeling that it would be powerful and it is! It has changed my fear of death into an appreciation of life. It has provided me so many hours of mental stimulation and mind evolving thoughts. It has also let me explore my relationship with Death.

At this juncture, I am working towards reconciling my feelings of Death. As I do this, I learned that my fear of death revolves around two things: a fear of a violent or painful death and a fear of the well-being of those I love after I transition.

Because like most people, I do not know the details around my death, my imagination goes wild on how it might happen. For me, a painful or violent death causes me a great deal of anxiety.  As I contemplate the potential circumstances of my death over coffee with my friend Death, a car accident does not seem as scary as being caught in some sort of violent crime against my person. But thankfully, the more time I spend exploring the possibilities, the more convinced I become that my death will not be violent or painful. Could stepping up and accepting death be guiding the circumstances around how I will die? Maybe. I do know that after contemplating it, I feel I will move on with my friend Death one future morning sitting here having coffee, just like my grandfather did.

Since once aspect of my fear of death seems to be rooted in the possible violence of it, I am starting to wonder if violent deaths are caused due to the negative energy created by fear and then somehow that fear manifests into reality. Whether this is true, I do not know but  it is a point to ponder. Another point to ponder is whether the fear of dying prolongs the event and introduces pain and agony. I have seen people who fight death when they are in the process of dying from old age or illness, become very weak. Do those who hang on when they start crossing the threshold, refusing to relax and transition, create difficultly and pain by fighting their way back to the physical? Does the body start creating illnesses to make it more painful to come back? This seems to be a real possibility. To help reduce my fear of a violent or painful death, I am choosing to accept death serenely when my time comes. At least that is my plan right now!

The other fear I have with death is the well-being of those I love after I am gone.  Specifically, when I die, will my animals be well cared for until they transition? I feel very blessed to be the care taker of my assemblage of animal companions. However, when I am no longer able to care for them, who will? An avenue I am exploring is to create a trust fund for their care. However, if I do have a trust fund, will the people responsible for their care treat them with the caring and respect they deserve? Will their well-being, both emotionally and physically, be satisfied? Or will they become property, neglected and isolated until their health declines prematurely and they too transition? Knowing I cannot control this causes me anxiety and builds towards my fear of death. I continue to explore options to ensure their welfare after I am gone which at the same time contributes to my well-being and the diminishment of my fear of death.

I find it rather ironically amusing that my fear of death has very little, if anything , to do with the actual process of transitioning. My fear is generated by the thoughts of dying violently and of having no control over the well-being of my loved ones after I am gone. I know this and I continue to work through this in an effort to reduce my fear.

Have you explored your fears surrounding death so you too can come to peace with it?