Posted by Ashara Morris, one of the Women Moving it Forward.
This was written in mid-November, but it has relevance as we move into the new Year.
This has been a tough month, November. Lots of lessons to be learned about who I am and why I do what I do, and how fragile I feel when it comes to “making a living”.
I’m discovering that I am hard on myself. I’ve always thought I was pretty tough – I could handle most things, bad news, changes, I was able to roll with any punches directed my way. But I’m finding that as I open my heart further and further, I’m becoming more vulnerable, and all of my long-ignored “stuff” is making itself known. This is a good thing, even though it doesn’t feel like it.
It’s a painful process, as anyone who has ever received any coaching or therapy can attest, to lay yourself open to yourself. Because you have to look at the shadow as well as the sun. And those shadow things, those Gremlins floating around in our heads, are in everyone. No one is immune, least of all a coach. It’s good to recognize them, love them, and let them be, but it sure isn’t fun while it’s happening.
Lately a lot of my Gremlins have been about money. One of the things I remember hearing when I was young was about how I was just like my aunt who always had money problems – I couldn’t hold on to my money, I wasn’t sensible about money, I was less than worthless when it came to money – all my interpretations of what I heard and saw. I honestly don’t know how bad my aunt was with money – all I know is that I was compared to her, and the people who meant something to me, whose approval I was seeking, compared me to her. Brrrrr.
There’s lots of stuff going on in this scenario – seeking approval of others; money issues; responsibility issues; worthiness issues. I’ve dealt with all of them over the years, and many layers have been peeled away. AND as I tell my clients, once you peel that layer away, there’s another one right behind it. Sometimes they show up fast, other times you get a bit of breather and THEN it hits you. Lucky ol’ me, seems like several of those onions have piled up at once.
It’s a pain that I know is serving me. As I deal with my own Gremlins, I heal parts of myself that will help me better navigate the parts of me that are just trying to keep me safe, but are no longer serving me. I don’t have all the answers, but I am listening to what I have to tell myself, and maybe those revelations will assist me in assisting others. Not by giving advice, but by understanding.
I know this trench I’m in right now will eventually fill with water (from tears?), or slope upwards, and I’ll be able to climb out. I’ll be dirty, exhausted, and changed for the better. It’s worth it, to be in the dirt. It doesn’t feel good when it’s happening, but the rainbow at the other end is totally worth the journey, because every soul on this planet deserves that rainbow, including me, and including you.
So if you’re going through a rough patch right now, hang in. Ask for help (I did). Be honest with yourself. Feel the pain. Meditate, reflect, spend time in nature. Go to the horses (or the cat, or the gerbil), and a coach; they will listen without judgement and help you find an answer. We’re all in this together, so let’s help one another.
Ashara Morris is a certified Equine Gestalt Coach and animal communicator. When she’s not peeling away her own onions, she helps women navigate through the pain and confusion of questionable relationships, find the power in their own center and assists them on the path of their purposeful life.
Find out more at http://www.harmonysheartcoaching.com