Strength of Vulnerability

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Written by Carroll Ellis a member of Women Move it Forward

I am finding the spaces where I am vulnerable show my places of strength. Many years ago I found out learning requires a place of vulnerability. Just look at children they are the quintessential learners and they are so comfortable in that space of not knowing.  The excitement when learning is presented with enthusiasm and passion is precious as it beams from their faces.

Now days where appearances are all important being authentic and shouting to the world “I don’t know this… I am not good at this…” requires strength of character. Willingness to accept unpleasant comments or looks of disgust because others are pretending that they know and can do everything takes lots of courage.

I am finding that courage in mother earth. When I am connected and grounded to her I feel a sense of support and encouragement that cannot be sneered away. In my last new moon meditation I asked one of the guides “where do I find courage inside of me?” And her response had me laughing. She said “in all the nooks and crannies.” Those spaces are only big enough to hold a drop of courage.  Just one drop at a time tucked away in corners and hidden all over is all I can see.  And working through this, I am finding courage is very potent, one drop will move me past the first step and that’s all that’s needed. After the first step momentum kicks in and there’s no turning back.

Voluntarily stepping into spaces where I know I am vulnerable is the same thing as me shouting to the world “I don’t know this now, but just watch I will learn it so well you will seek my council.”

Do you have things you don’t know? If you do and if you seek out your drops of courage, I will get in line to seek your council.

 

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Universal Spring Cleaning

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move it Forward

It is spring time and I find that I am antsy and fidgety.  Lately, I have noticed the energy in and around me is shaken up and all over the place.  I do not know why or when it started.  One morning it was just there.  Thinking on it, I gain the vision that it is time to do a spring cleaning.  Not only in my home, but also inside of me.  I feel that my spring cleaning needs to be very deliberate and purposeful.  Looking around, I notice there are rooms in my home that could use some attention.  But then I notice that there are places inside of me that could also use some attention.

When spring cleaning my home, I take everything from the shelves and remove items from the counter tops.  These items are carefully placed in another room.  Then I dust and clean each item and thoughtfully place it where it feels right or get rid of it if I do not need it anymore.  To complete the task, each room needs this careful going over or the entire house will be unsettled and the home is unsettled while I go through the process.

Just like a spring cleaning in my home, I also feel I am getting a spring cleaning of myself, like the universe has decided to spring clean my life.  Thoughts, ideas and feelings need to be evaluated and shifted until I have either kept or thrown them out.  There is a dance of keep it… toss it… keep it… toss it…  I feel positive and cleansed as I go through this routine.  As I think the mental process through, it occurs to me that the state of my home and my state of mind are more closely linked than I realized.  My mental state is obvious to my friends when they visit my home.  If my home is cluttered, I am cluttered.  If the house is organized, I am organized.  This insight seems very fitting.

I am not completely relaxed or grounded right now, but this process gives me a sense of purpose behind my energy and an channel for it.  Letting this energy buzz around me without an outlet will drive me crazy so I embrace it.  April is my spring cleaning month.  My mental cleaning and house cleaning will be hard and time consuming but it will also be very rewarding.  I look forward to the positive results.

Are there places in your life that could use a good spring cleaning?

Permission To Fail

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

Take a moment to feel in to the next two statements.

-We maintain very high standards.
-We have a zero-tolerance for failure policy.

…

For me the first statement is an exciting challenge; I love quality. The second fills me with dread; it is an impossible job.

For a good portion of my military career I worked under an official zero-tolerance for failure policy. And if you take a moment to break that policy into pieces and understand the basics of what it means we will understand that while the intention was good the effect is quite negative. Zero tolerance = no willingness to allow.

Tolerance is very important aspect of being human. A policy that has zero tolerance for failure means every single person in that organization has been convicted prior to the crime. It has left each person arguing with themselves on their own guilt or innocence.

Failure is a critical part of life, some of our best lessons come when we fail and to not be allowed to fail crushes any imagination and desire to move forward.

Visible effects of this policy are watching others and sometimes yourself lie and hide any and every mistake. Watching all initiative dissolve until you are left with an organization that grudgingly does less than what they’re told. It creates an atmosphere of tension and stress.

I have spent the last few years in retirement working through my issues around this subject. I have always striven to do the job correctly (any job). I have been somewhat of a perfectionist looking for details inside of details. Recently, I have come across a technique that is helping me to relax and let go of any anxiety that is created around not just my failures, but any and all possible future failures. It is a very simple and powerful tool.

I give myself and others permission to fail. That does not mean that I seek to fail just that I have permission to when the inevitable happens.

I look at myself in the mirror and say “I give you permission to fail.” When I go into a group I look at them and say silently “I give you permission to fail” because if there’s one place were failure occurs frequently it is in communication. So when miscommunication happens, it is very easy for me to forgive because I’ve already given permission. I believe the statement “the only certainty is death and taxes” should be changed to “the only certainty is death, taxes and miscommunication.”

An example of how this tool worked. I’m a member of a Toastmasters group I prepared for a week to present one of my speeches. Prior to the speech, I looked in the mirror and told myself several times “I give you permission to fail. If you fail this speech, no one will die, the economy will continue, and the world will turn.” I started the speech and I felt comfortable and confident. Then presenting the first point I forgot a critical piece; I skipped right over it and of course the rest of the speech referred back to this point. As soon as I realized what I had done I knew I could not recover and just throw the information in where I was. I did an internal dance of keep it, toss it, keep it… for the rest of the points. Many could say that the speech had failed completely. However, I considered it a great success, because I did not panic in the middle of my mistake. My emotions were quite calm even in that world-wind of a dance. My inner critic was out to lunch. I completed my speech. I acknowledge that it was not complete with what I had prepared; yet, I provided information, I gave a valuable demonstration and I received very good feedback.

Yes, as you can see the world is still turning.

Do you have anxiety around failure? If I may make a suggestion: repeatedly give yourself permission to fail and see how your anxiety dissolves.

A Christmas Carroll

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I was inspired by the Ghosts of Advice from the past, present and future:

On Christmas Eve, as I finished my morning coffee, the Ghost of Advice Past visited me.  To my surprise, it was AE Whitehead.  He took me to my window and showed me my pasture.  In it, I saw a young Carroll frolicking in the grass, riding her dragon and slaying her enemies.  Her cheeks were red and her eyes were glittering with excitement.  Then the Ghost of Advice Past said to me, “Without adventure, civilization is in a state of constant decay.”  And I wondered, where did my adventurous spirit go?  Do I still have it?

Later in the day as I completed my manure meditation, the Ghost of Advice Present appeared.  This time it was a Native American spirit guiding the beings on my sanctuary.  He pointed at my house and showed me sitting in my office, agonizing over past stresses and worrying about future problems.  He then stated, quite matter-of-factly, “Just live.”  Just live?  Was I doing that? Was I taking time to stop and look at what is happening in front of me right now?  Was I living each and every one of my experiences?

As I laid down to sleep, settling in and pulling the covers up, the Ghost of Advice Future appeared.  It was Death, in black robes with a hood, his bony hand clutching a cup of coffee. He pointed to the mirror in which I saw a window of a house. Inside there was a gathering of somber people dressed in black, clustered around the dining room table heaped with comforting food. A woman with a very kind face and a young girl of five sat near the window.  Earnestly the little girl asked her mother, “Does this mean I don’t have to sit quietly while great grandma talks forever, telling me again and again how to grow up?”

Her mother turned red and whispered, “She meant well but her talks did get longer as her arthritis limited her, making her feel useless.” The little girl grew quite serious and then asked, “Is that why you and daddy stay away?” Her mother turned even redder and said honestly, “Yes, we love her very much, but it was very hard to be around someone constantly giving advice on how to live a better life.”  The philosophic little girl announced, “I loved it when she held me and we just watched the horses.” Her mother said, “I know.  If she just realized she was worth so much more than nagging advice, we would’ve been here every week. I loved sitting quietly with her. She had so much love and comfort to give. I am sorry she is gone.” Then she turned and looked out her window, into my mirror, and muttered, “But staying away was the only way to stay sane.”  Was that me? Did I drive my family away trying to prove my worth with my sage advice?  I looked up and asked, “How can I avoid this future?” Death placed a bony finger to where lips should be and then faded away.

I lay awake for some time contemplating my Christmas Carroll events. I resolved that this Christmas, I will follow my Ghosts of Advice.  I will have adventures that let my imagination run free to prevent my stagnation and decay. I will just live in the moments of now, trying valiantly to not stress about the past or the future.  I will live my life with love and joy, striving to let go of “doing” and focus on just “being”. I will come to terms with the fact that my worth is not strictly based on accomplishments and actions. I do not have to constantly do or say things to prove my worth. Mostly importantly, I will keep my advice to myself until I am asked for it.

This Christmas, how will you live your life?

Morning Coffee with Death 2

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

I continue to have coffee with Death each morning. I spend the time opening up to the reality and eventuality of death. My morning coffee with Death is providing me the largest playground for my mind since I was introduced to quantum physics. When I started this, I had the feeling that it would be powerful and it is! It has changed my fear of death into an appreciation of life. It has provided me so many hours of mental stimulation and mind evolving thoughts. It has also let me explore my relationship with Death.

At this juncture, I am working towards reconciling my feelings of Death. As I do this, I learned that my fear of death revolves around two things: a fear of a violent or painful death and a fear of the well-being of those I love after I transition.

Because like most people, I do not know the details around my death, my imagination goes wild on how it might happen. For me, a painful or violent death causes me a great deal of anxiety.  As I contemplate the potential circumstances of my death over coffee with my friend Death, a car accident does not seem as scary as being caught in some sort of violent crime against my person. But thankfully, the more time I spend exploring the possibilities, the more convinced I become that my death will not be violent or painful. Could stepping up and accepting death be guiding the circumstances around how I will die? Maybe. I do know that after contemplating it, I feel I will move on with my friend Death one future morning sitting here having coffee, just like my grandfather did.

Since once aspect of my fear of death seems to be rooted in the possible violence of it, I am starting to wonder if violent deaths are caused due to the negative energy created by fear and then somehow that fear manifests into reality. Whether this is true, I do not know but  it is a point to ponder. Another point to ponder is whether the fear of dying prolongs the event and introduces pain and agony. I have seen people who fight death when they are in the process of dying from old age or illness, become very weak. Do those who hang on when they start crossing the threshold, refusing to relax and transition, create difficultly and pain by fighting their way back to the physical? Does the body start creating illnesses to make it more painful to come back? This seems to be a real possibility. To help reduce my fear of a violent or painful death, I am choosing to accept death serenely when my time comes. At least that is my plan right now!

The other fear I have with death is the well-being of those I love after I am gone.  Specifically, when I die, will my animals be well cared for until they transition? I feel very blessed to be the care taker of my assemblage of animal companions. However, when I am no longer able to care for them, who will? An avenue I am exploring is to create a trust fund for their care. However, if I do have a trust fund, will the people responsible for their care treat them with the caring and respect they deserve? Will their well-being, both emotionally and physically, be satisfied? Or will they become property, neglected and isolated until their health declines prematurely and they too transition? Knowing I cannot control this causes me anxiety and builds towards my fear of death. I continue to explore options to ensure their welfare after I am gone which at the same time contributes to my well-being and the diminishment of my fear of death.

I find it rather ironically amusing that my fear of death has very little, if anything , to do with the actual process of transitioning. My fear is generated by the thoughts of dying violently and of having no control over the well-being of my loved ones after I am gone. I know this and I continue to work through this in an effort to reduce my fear.

Have you explored your fears surrounding death so you too can come to peace with it?

The Gift of Disappointment

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

 

What is disappointment?

The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines it as: 1: the act or an instance of disappointing :the state or emotion of being disappointed 2: one that disappoints. The definition of disappoint: to fail to meet the expectation or hope of

A while back I was introduced to a new perspective for the word disappointment. It focused on the process and energy around becoming disappointed. That process starts with a person having an expectation of someone else. There is a certain amount of power in the expectation. During the event that expectation is not realized and then they become aware of a lack in dependence. Disappointment is the effect of power which was unknowingly given away, being returned. As a coach this is something I have feared since I started down my path. Matt Kahn has given me freedom from this fear by showing me the underlying gift which awareness brings.

For example a client comes to me for coaching because they believe I am the one who can help them. In essence they give me the power of fixing them. During the session, I do not live up to the expectation because I cannot fix someone else only they can fix themselves. They become disappointed. They gain the awareness that I cannot fix their problem. The energy of the power they gave to me returns to them. So, as a coach I have empowered them in a rather uncomfortable way for each of us.

As I am moving through life now, I am incorporating the lesson of power exchange into my expectations.

In the past I would stop the process at the part where I become aware of the lack and now I realize that disappointment is me giving away my power at an unconscious level. This perspective allows me to look at the situation differently. Once I realize I am disappointed and that I have given my power away, I have the opportunity to laugh at myself reclaiming my power and the disappointment disappears. What a gift that is!

I challenge you to become aware the next time you are disappointed. Take a look at the situation and be thankful the person returned your power to you.

 

Morning Coffee with Death

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

A constant theme in my life revolves around not feeling safe. As a result, I have limited myself because of fear. Now that I am more aware of the limiting fears, I actively seek out techniques to examine and confront my fears and lay them to rest. Some techniques have been more successful than others…

Recently, I had an opportunity to examine my fear of death. I was listening to Matt Khan on YouTube. He matter-of-factly stated that every morning he makes a cup of coffee for Death. I found this concept intriguing and thought I would conduct my own experiment.

I started making two cups of coffee every morning. I placed one cup in front of one couch and one in front of myself as I sit across from the first cup. The plan is to chat with Death. I say, “Good morning Death. If today is my day to die, I invite you to come have coffee with me, do your worst and then we will go.” If by the time my coffee is gone and I am still here, I thank Death for another day. I also thank him for his cup of coffee as I drink it.

I have learned some valuable and interesting things about myself through this process.

On the first day, I learned that Death cannot have fully caffeinated coffee. Normally, I only have one cup of coffee each morning. Drinking two cups had me wired and prevented me from focusing on my daily chores. As a result, Death and I now share half caff coffee.

On the second day while I was drinking my coffee, I thought I saw the coffee across from me start to go down. What?! Wow! I took a breath. I knew it was my imagination but I started considering what it would mean if it was real. Did I mean what I said to Death? Was I prepared for the end? No. No I wasn’t. But more importantly, I realized I was not as comfortable with Death as I pretended to be. There was fear and panic in continuing this experiment but I resolved to continue and to become friends with Death.

The third day, I purposely imagined the coffee level drop and I surrendered to making peace with Death. Peace with the inevitability of my transition from the physical, sinking into the acceptance of this body staying here and my soul moving onwards. At this point I added another phrase to my experiment which is: “I am willing to die.”

On the fourth day, I realized that my thoughts around death previously had me paralyzed. Working towards becoming friends with Death led to an acceptance that eroded that paralysis. I was making progress and learning some truths. Death is a practical fellow with a dry sense of humor. It is just a job; it is not personal.

I have conducted this experiment for only a short period of time. However in this time, my sense of peace with death has increased. A truth I learned is my life will be fuller and richer because of the relationship I am fostering with Death. Do not misunderstand me, I am not seeking death. I am, however, removing as much fear around this inevitable transition as I can.

I am finding I can live more fully because of my morning coffee with Death.

Is the thought of dying affecting your entire life? If so, I would challenge you to have coffee with Death each morning to see what you learn.

Perfect Oops…

Have you ever been in the middle of a project when all of a sudden, oops, you made a mistake? Then you realize that this “mistake” actually fits the purpose better?

I love to sew. Through my many different projects, I have very rarely used a pattern from start to finish. However, trying to get it just so, I would inevitably make a mistake. But the mistakes were not bad. They were “happy” mistakes. Each mistake turned out to be exactly what was needed. I learned to start saying, “Oops, I meant to do that!”

For years I have carried this phrase along with me into every project or renovation. It is an easy way to look for blessings in disguise. With each mistake, I formed the acceptance that it was how it should be.

Recently I have been working on expanding that phrase into personal interactions. I find myself observing emotional episodes with avid interest. I watch as emotions flare up. Then I step back and remove myself from the situation. I continue to observe. After some time, I see the consequential life path emerge. This has been very interesting and educational.

I witnessed people become stronger and more self-reliant after being made small. I observed individuals leave a path of personal denial and avoidance and move into a space where they happily spend time getting to know who they are. Personally, I saw my blunder help not only the individuals in the conversation but also people who were not involved. My “mistake” caused old bridges to be burned. However, my “mistake” also led to new bridges being built. Those involved ended up in a better situation with a better “bridge.” I thought it was a mistake, but it fit the person’s purpose better.

Oops, I meant to do that.

I believe each of us is imperfect and we make mistakes. However, that is the perfect situation in which to grow. Just like a puzzle piece is more interesting because it is not made up of four straight edges.

Are you able to work with your mistakes and see how perfect those mistakes can be?

Emotional Bank Account

Self-image is a powerful aspect of human existence and it impacts every moment in a person’s. Very few people have positive self-image. Almost 85%* of the American population has a negative self-image. Why is this so? The reasons are as numerous as the people and vary with the events each individual experiences. Good news – there is a tool, an emotional bank account, that can help you improve and obtain a positive self-image.

An emotional bank account operates very much like a monetary bank account. You can make deposits and withdrawals. There is a positive (black) or negative (red) balance. There are fees for overdrafts. But, there is one major difference; no matter how negative your balance, you can always withdraw more.

First thing to do is to “log in” and find your current “balance”. To do this, you need to find a quiet location that supports self-reflection. Then you need to tell yourself “I love you.” If when you say “I love you,” you feel genuinely that you are telling the truth and you feel good, then you have a positive balance. If you say “I love you” and you feel you are telling a lie or you feel bad, then you have a negative balance.

Now, the goal is to always increase your balance, whether it is positive or negative. The end result is that when you say “I love you” you feel confident it is factual. The way to go from a negative to a positive balance is easy. All it takes is awareness and desire. Making a deposit will take a negative balance closer to zero. You need the desire to feel good about yourself to create the motivation to continue making deposits towards a positive balance. If you have a negative balance, the first few times will feel absurd and senseless. This is truly the indicator of how negative your current balance is.

There is a sample list of things which make a deposit for me; you will have your own list of things that make you happy. Each will take you more positive and when you reach zero and then make another deposit it will feel very good. A deposit is any action of taking the high road with yourself and others.

Another thing to be aware of is how many withdrawals are made. Limiting these will decrease your time to reach zero. Once you have a positive balance, continue making deposits. The higher your positive balance is, the more possibilities you can see in your life.

My desire for you is to become a emotional billionaire!

*Reference location

Healing Through Quantum Fields

It is dark and very cold on a Sunday winter night. The horses in the back barn are being let out into the field for the night. Coco is down the hill, not paying attention. Instead, she is pawing at the ground, putting her nose up in the air, moving around, lying down, getting up and lying down again.

I feel my heart constrict as I watch, knowing that this is a classic symptom of colic. Knowing there must be gas in her stomach or intestines and she physically cannot release it. If only I could do it for her…

Feeling her distress and knowing that at this time of night, it is going to be difficult and expensive to have a vet come to help her. I am very worried and concerned for her.

Suddenly, I have an inspiration and feel that I can help her.

That winter evening, I ground myself and visualize quantum foam. I visualize it all along Coco’s stomach and intestines. Then I visualize the quantum foam in my stomach. I hold the intention of accepting the gas into my body. I truly desire to relieve Coco’s pain and discomfort. I have the means to release it.

I close my eyes and I hold that intent. I visualize a transfer of gas from her foam to my foam. There is a brief instant where it looks to my mind’s eye as if a light bridge formed between us.

Standing grounded in the winter’s night, I do not feel the cold or any discomfort.  My desire and my intent is to help Coco. I completely accept the idea of her gas transferred into my body. Maybe a minute after I start this process, I let out a very large burp. Then several more burps. I am surprised and caught off guard. Then, Coco calms and stands quietly.  After a few seconds, she calmly walks out to the field with all the other horses and begins to eat.  Nothing is wrong; everything is normal again.

What happened? Did anything happen?

I hesitated to believe that I had done anything. Maybe the colic was not severe and her body was able to process it. Did it matter?  She was back to normal and her distress was gone. I went on with life, wondering.

Several months passed and before I knew it, it was summer. Coco again had colic symptoms.  This time, it was on two separate occasions. Each time, I repeated my quantum foam process. Each time, Coco’s symptoms disappeared immediately.

Then, this last week it was extremely cold. It was painful for me to even breathe. I checked on my horses and again, Coco was in distress.  I repeated the quantum foam process.  However, I noticed this time the result was still there but with differences.

My own physical discomfort prevented me from fully concentrating.  My intent to help her was distracted and I was not able to fully visualize the quantum foam transfer. As a result, her relief was not as dramatic. She did stop pawing the ground and laying down and getting up. However, she was not completely at ease as she did not immediately resume eating as she had before. Was my distraction enough to reduce the effectiveness? I know I was effective. On four occasions, my actions led to her relief (even when I was distracted).

These experiences have galvanized my acceptance that I helped by using quantum intent to heal.  This is an offshoot of an energy healing process I created 8 years ago before I heard of Reiki. I have experimented with it on a different horse. In that instance, I was able to help her with a clogged tear duct.

I love quantum physics. I have read many articles and visualized the writings and discussions. I have seen as you get very small and keep going down and down and down you reach a point where possibility meets probability this creates a moving foam structure. The reason the foam is always moving is because possibilities and probabilities are constantly changing. The amazing part about this theory is that the observer is a critical aspect of which probability shows up. A strong intent will cause the foam to collapse into one outcome.

If you attempt to do healing this way, it is important that what you accept into or through your body you immediately release.  Release is a separate visualization and intent. It can be as simple as burping or it can be visualizing the physical material going into the ground and thanking Mother Earth for her composting. I believe many people bring other people’s emotions and illnesses into their bodies without being aware of it. Therefore, they do not release it which causes them great discomfort. I also believe that animals who are close to us do this type of thing because they want to help us as well.  I believe many dogs end up with cancer or tumors or any number of things because of this. They are very willing to help us by bringing it into themselves however that last step of releasing it does not happen.

I have decided to start capturing my experiences with quantum healing in a blog. If you are interested in checking in from time to time to see what quantum healing fields have shown up for me, the website is www.healingthroughquantumfields.com.

My challenge for you is to research quantum fields and quantum healing for yourself. Please do not dismiss it because it is not Main Stream. If you do try it, be observant of the original situation of your desire and emotional state and then capture the end result and keep a journal of what happened.  Please do not dismiss positive results because you are not a “professional.” I am letting go of it being easier to believe in others than it is to believe in myself.

Each person is a never-ending miracle!