Beginnings and Endings

This blog is in flux, and may not survive. I am sad about that, but not sad enough to take the step forward to keep it going. This situation gives me pause, and leads me to think about the choices I make and priorities I set.

This is the only blog where I have been reasonably consistent in posting. I have a few websites with blogs attached and have not made a posting on them for months. This blog has become a place for me to express my thoughts without the rigor of a weekly post. I have enjoyed participating.

I am moving into a different phase of my life and stepping into the public speaking realm in a bigger way. I am running for election for a senior post with Toastmasters that carries responsibilities that will be time consuming. Within Toastmasters, I have willingly stepped up to more time commitment.

This blog is not currently time consuming as we post only every other month. However, I have come to admit that I am not willing to give it much more than that. I will miss the interaction with the wonderful women that are my co-contributors. I am worried that with this link gone, our paths will no longer cross and I will lose a link to my past.

It is up to me to make the effort to stay in contact with those women that have supported me. As I experience life and become ever more self-aware, I think about the choices I make, and say “no” more often. Saying “no” to an experience does not need to mean that I am saying “no” to the relationships fostered by that experience.

I wish all readers and contributors to this blog many blessings, continued healing and support.

Stepping into Brilliance

Have you ever seen successful people become targets for others that seem to look to “take them down a notch”? Have you ever found yourself participating in finding fault with successful people? It sometimes seems that our culture delights in creating idols, then tearing them down.

I have certainly participated in this practice. I recently watched a Toastmasters World Champion of Public Speaking and commented that I felt it was much more a performance than a speech rather than celebrating the brilliance of the presentation.

If we step into our brilliance, we may become a target for others who don’t celebrate their own brilliance. Are you ever afraid that if you let your light shine, others will attack you?

I recently watched someone I admire greatly “take it on the chin” in a rather public evaluation. The format of the event did not allow for a rebuttal, and I watched my friend hold his head high and stand in dignity. I was inspired by his grace in this situation, and aspire to be like him.

When you are the one in the spotlight, do you invite feedback? Can you find a place where you can be objective about what is shared? Sometimes I’ve found the comments that stung the most when delivered were those that I had the most to learn from once I could get through the emotional upheaval and see it from the other side.

Even when the comments seem hyper-critical, we now have the gift of another person’s perspective, even if we do not agree with their conclusions. I think of the little birds out in the pastures who pick through the horse poop to find the bits of undigested grain. If we can find the grain within what appears to be poop, we will remain on the path to continuous improvement and lifelong learning.

Having the gift of another’s opinion can help pave the pathway to success. The secret is in knowing ourselves well enough to take what fits, and discard what doesn’t. We mustn’t place more value on others’ opinions of us than we do on our opinions of ourselves. Then we can stand in our own glory and be grateful for the contributions of those who have offered guidance along the way.

I wish you guidance and glory.

• Jocelyn Hastie

Do You Belong?

Do you belong? Do you help others feel that they belong? What does that mean to you?

Last fall, I heard Dr. Erik Carter speak at events in High River and Calgary. His words were powerful, and his position is that there are ten dimensions to belonging. A pronouncement that “Everyone is welcome” is not enough. True inclusiveness and belonging requires much more.

Dr. Carter challenges us to ask the following questions about people with disabilities and their families. I think the concepts can be extended to anyone. Here are the ten increasing dimensions of belonging he puts forth. Are individuals:

1. Present
2. Invited – personally, not a global invitation
3. Welcomed
4. Known – as individuals
5. Accepted – beyond tolerated
6. Supported
7. Cared for
8. Befriended
9. Needed – we miss you when you’re not here
10. Loved

I invite you to consider the people in your life that seemed quite different from you when you first encountered them. I suspect that the more you got to know them, the further along this spectrum you progressed – and the more similarities you saw and the less the differences mattered.

When have you felt that you belonged? Where on this spectrum did you feel you sat? When have you invited others into your world? How far into your world? Where on this spectrum did that relationship sit?

I challenge you to think about this concept as the holiday season winds down.

Dr. Carter is Professor of Special Education at Vanderbilt, and his website can be found at https://www.erikwcarter.com/.

I’ve got to…

How many times do you say, “I’ve got to do this…”?

How does it make you feel? Obligated? Forced? Maybe sometimes even resentful?

What if you changed the language to, “I get to do this…”?

Very different feel, right?

There are so few things that we “have to” do, and so many that we choose to do, perhaps not recognizing that we had a choice.

We can choose to cook dinner, pick something up or go out. We don’t “have to” cook. Perhaps we weigh the options and decide that we’d like to cook dinner for reasons of economy or health. Perhaps we decide to pick up fast food for reasons of convenience. Or we go out for dinner for companionship. Do you really “have to” cook?

Spending time with your friends and family is something I hope you “get to” do, rather than “have to” do. If you feel you “have to” spend time with them, I suspect your relationship needs some work so that you can create a space where you enjoy their company. Perhaps your personal boundaries aren’t being appropriately drawn or defended. There is possibly a personal development lesson in this relationship of obligation that could help you with other relationships.

I “have to” feed my animals on a regular schedule. However, if I can recognize that I “get to” spend quality time with them each day, caring for them and enjoying their company, it feels so much better.

“I’ve got to” or “I get to”. The choice is yours.

Opening to Assistance

Yahoo! Welcome to the 2018 Calgary Stampede!

For more than 20 years, I have spent five days displaying my Peruvian Horses at the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth, the Calgary Stampede. Over a million visitors come through the gates over the ten days of the event.

This year, I tried something different. I asked more people to help out at the booth. You see, Sunday is Family Day. Admission is free from 9:00 to 11:00 and there is also a free pancake breakfast for those arriving early. The barns are packed with families wanting to see the animals. Thousands and thousands of them.

There are Activity Books in Horse Haven. These include coloring sections, and information on each of the horse breeds displayed. There is also a passport where people collect stamps from each of the booths. We have two stamps because we share our booth with another breed who takes the last five days. This doesn’t sound like much, but when you re-ink the stamps two or three times in a day, you can imagine the number of stamps applied.

This year, I had the privilege of having at least two people in the booth stamping at all times, and at least one more watching out for the horse and ensuring both the horse and the people were kept safe. This kept me so much calmer, and made a very busy day merely busy rather than stressful.

I thought about all the times in life I thought I had to do something by myself – that it was a sign of weakness to ask for help. Yesterday, I was given a gift and a reminder that it if someone offers to help, it is a gift both to you and to them when you are gracious in accepting their offer.

My challenge for you today is to look around for someone you can help, even by holding open a door. The bigger challenge is to accept that offer, and sincerely thank them. Thanks to those who helped me yesterday, and those that will help today. May I be able to return the favour, either back to them or to someone else.

Jocelyn

Knowing When It’s Time

 

About six weeks ago, one of my horses began to drop weight quickly. The vet and I both thought it was probably tooth related, but she found his teeth were in good shape.  With that ruled out, she told me that there was little or no  chance that anything else that would cause that kind of weight loss was treatable. “The drastic weight loss shown without any other overt clinical signs would be consistent with lymphoma or a systemic neoplastic process with internal involvement.”

She told me that he does not appear to be in pain. His eye is bright, and he has energy. He is still the boss of the herd. He picks at hay, but likes the grass and supplements I give him. Twice a day, he eagerly meets me at the gate to come out and have his supplements and graze on the lawn. Then he walks to the gate to let me know it’s time for him to rejoin his friends in the pasture.

I have decided to give him some time to enjoy the warm weather and spring grass unless he begins to show signs of pain or starts letting the others boss him around. My heart bleeds as I prepare for the almost certain outcome of releasing him from his pain when the time is right.

This morning, two SPCA officers arrived at my door to investigate a cruelty complaint against me because of the thin horse in my pasture. There are seven others in the same pasture in good weight. He asked what I had done for the horse, and he told me he had no concerns and would be closing the file.

I am left to process the emotions. I am so sad that my equine friend is preparing to leave this life. I am hurt that one of my neighbours believes I would deliberately let an animal suffer and saw fit to report me to the SPCA without contacting me. I am glad that they are keeping an eye out for those animals who may truly be in distress.

The most difficult decision we ever make when we become custodians of our animal friends is in knowing that we will probably outlive them and need to say goodbye. It is never an easy decision. In this case, it is made even more difficult as I deal with feeling that my neighbours are sitting in judgement of me. I hope that the report of the SPCA office will stop any gossip. I fear it won’t and I will have a reputation of not caring for my animals.

This particular situation triggers me as I, too, was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. The disease was nowhere near as painful and exhausting as the treatment. There were times throughout the process when death seemed an attractive option, but no one made the determination to end any chance of healing. I struggle with whether that experience makes me more or less equipped to make this decision for my equine friend. His condition is not deteriorating. He is alert and energetic – but painfully thin.

“Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart’s intuition”. – Steve Jobs

My horse has not indicated to me the time is right, and I have given him permission to cross over if he is finished. I am at peace with waiting for his decision, and every day I grieve his imminent departure. I pray that I am open to the answers that arrive.

UPDATE: For the first time this morning (May 14, 2018), he was not interested in food. He has spoken, and the vet sees him at 1:00 this afternoon. Please think of him and help send his spirit to the place where there is no more disease.

The Price of Independence

I grew up valuing independence. I cherished my ability to do things for myself. I would generally refuse offers of help. Somehow in my mind, I saw this independence as proof of my competence and value as a human being. I didn’t want to owe anyone for my success.

When someone would offer to help, I would often refuse. Sometimes I felt like the offer was an implicit judgement on my ability to produce results on my own, although it was really my own judgement of myself.  Sometimes I didn’t want to bother others by appearing to be weak and needy. My words, not theirs.

My independence did allow me to do some things that I may not have done if I needed to create harmony with a partner, but it also created some walls around me. Spirit has a way of offering us lessons that get a little bigger each time until we learn. For me, it took a sledgehammer. Weekly chemo and daily radiation therapy. For seven weeks.

Throughout and after treatment, I was unable to care for myself and my animals. I needed help. I was afraid that being so vulnerable would make people run, and they did – towards me. My friends and family lined up to drive me to treatment (2 hour drive, plus time at the hospital) and I never went to treatment alone. My dogs and horses were cared for.

I learned that when people offer to help, it doesn’t mean they feel I can’t do it myself, only that I don’t have to. They want to share time with me. When I offer to help, it is out of a desire to assist and yet I found it hard to accept that this is true of others.

Relationships cannot be a one way street. I am happy to contribute to community events in addition to helping my friends out with their tasks. Collaboration is much more rewarding than too much time spent alone.

There is satisfaction in having the competence to manage things on my own, but there is joy in sharing even the mundane tasks with family and friends. As we give, we shall receive. I am so grateful for the network of family and friends that allow me to celebrate my independence while contributing their support.

Excellence is Always Adeqate

Excellence is always adequate.

I try not to use the terms “never” and “always”, but in a recent discussion with a friend, I found myself making the statement above. This friend is known for beating herself up and reliving every minor error in her mind over and over. She is also extremely capable and conscientious, and most people see her quite differently than she sees herself.

We often carry unexamined messages from childhood that affect our lives. These may be comments that were made casually by our parents, and have affected our self-image ever since. Many of us strive for perfection and exhaust ourselves, rather than saying something is “good enough”.

Others are comfortable with “good enough” and don’t make the effort to make or do something that they will be proud of. There are times when “good enough” is not “good enough” to satisfy our personal standards, and we may choose to raise those standards from “good enough” to “excellence”.

I have decided that I will give myself a score of excellent if 97% of what I produce is error-free. The Pareto Principle, or 80/20 rule states that 20% of the invested input is responsible for 80% of the results obtained. There are diminishing returns with the additional effort. I generally want to do better than 80%, therefore 20% of the effort is less than I choose to put in. To create results I’m satisfied with or even proud of, I am willing to put in 60% to 70% of the effort required for perfection in order to produce an excellent result.

Further, there are projects and tasks that are not important enough to require 80%, and others that require 99% rather than 97%. However, I have scratched my head searching for tasks and projects that require 100%, or perfection and come up with nothing.

Oxford defines adequate as “Satisfactory or acceptable in quality or quantity.”

Merriam-Webster defines adequate as:

• “Sufficient for a specific need or requirement”,
• “good enough : of a quality that is good or acceptable”, and,
• “of a quality that is acceptable but not better than acceptable.” 

I suspect that the final Webster definition is the one that sticks in the craw of those of us who drive ourselves to great lengths, and suggest that we visit tasks and projects on a case by case basis to determine which require more attention (excellence rather than adequate).

How many times do you drive yourself to distraction trying to be perfect?

After careful consideration, I have determined that for me, excellence is always adequate. There is never a time when perfection is required. If I have put in the effort on a worthy task, and the output is excellent, it does not need to be perfect.

Jocelyn Hastie

P.S. In the first publication of this post, I spelled adequate wrong in the title. It’s not too late to revisit and improve your work!

Jocelyn Hastie is the founder of Unbridled Business Solutions Inc., a company specializing in communications related training and creator of Cutting the Crush of Criticism.

 

 

Lessons in Communication

When I had the opportunity to add horses to my life at the age of 30, I jumped at the chance. I had always been a farm girl at heart although I grew up in the city. I think I got the “animal lover” gene from my mother’s father. When he married my grandmother, he drove the wagon for the local creamery and had three draft horses. When he married grandma, he couldn’t afford her and three horses, so he had to sell one.

When I married a rancher’s son and was given my first horse at around 30, I felt as if a piece of my soul had come home. I learned that my way of slamming through life was no longer going to work. I needed to find a way to communicate with a sentient being that did not speak English. I needed to create a connection between us that overrode the differences between us.

I learned to slow down, to become more observant. To pick up the clues that something I was doing was affecting someone else negatively. I took those lessons into the workplace and became a much more effective team leader.

I learned lessons about authenticity. There isn’t a horse alive that worries that its saddle makes their butt look big. They may spook at a piece of paper, but don’t pretend it didn’t bother them, and quickly get back to grazing calmly rather than revisiting the momentary fear.

I learned lessons about clarity in communication. When the boss mare flattens her ears, shows her teeth and shakes her head at another herd member, they move. If they don’t, she may turn her back end and threaten to kick. If that doesn’t work, she may kick. But she doesn’t start with the kick.

If you look around, you will see communication everywhere. I invite you to watch for methods that work for others (either two legged or four), and experiment with how those methods might work for you.

Jocelyn

 

The Call of Competition

For over twenty years, I was a competitor at Peruvian Horse shows. Last year, I began to compete in speaking competitions. I have come to believe most of the audience is hoping that I will do well. I also want my competitors to do well. As the bar is raised, we all improve.

My theory on competition is that it provides a way for me to test (and to better) myself. When I am preparing for a competition, I work at my craft. I put in the extra effort to build the excellence into my performance. When it was in partnership with my horse, I was also building connection and communication between us so that we could perform as a team. Now,in speaking, the goal is in building connection and communication with my audience.

Competition for me is also about facing fear. It gets easier over time to put myself in the cross-hairs and face criticism. I am as guilty as anyone of doing some of my best performances from the bleachers and being critical of those who are out there doing the work. Being out there demands that I walk the talk and lead by example.

When I am on stage at speaking competitions, I sometimes have flashes of loneliness. During competition, I am accustomed to having my horse with me to reassure me. I combat that by speaking about my experiences with horses so that they are there with me in spirit if not in body. I do what I need to do to comfort myself so that I can step into the performance confidently.

Competition is not about winning ribbons or trophies. If I have performed well or have learned an important lesson, I have won. There are times when I am disappointed by the results – when I feel that I should have placed better. That has led me to another understanding about competition. The results are the judges’ opinions at that time, not a permanent commentary on my performance. If the judge does not appreciate me or my horse, that does not mean that my horse is not a quality animal.

Competition provides an opportunity for me to be evaluated using someone else’s criteria – to get someone else’s opinion. I may or may not agree with their opinion. In any case, it gives me information to consider for future performances. It is unlikely that no one would agree with the judge. With that said, I must weigh the judge’s opinion with my own, and ensure that it is in keeping with my values before I make changes.

Ultimately, my opinion of myself and my performance is more important than that of the judge. However, the evaluation gives me an opportunity to hone my skills further than I could if I had only my own opinion to base it for. For me, that is the value of competition.

Wishing you all the courage to step out on your own personal stage.

Photo courtesy of Suzanne Brown.

Jocelyn Hastie