Giving Common Thanks

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move it Forward Blog

I do my best to feel gratitude at all times. Thanksgiving is special here because it focuses on the feel of gratitude. This year we had a great feast and company on Thanksgiving. And we focused on how wonderful the food tasted; how easy it was to cook, and all the great friendships we have including the spirits in the Tribe of Tribes on the property.

In the middle of Black Friday night I experienced a whole new level of giving thanks. How many things are taken for granted day-to-day, moment-to-moment? The things that make our life quality. Around 10:30 at night a loud beep woke my husband and I. It was the carbon monoxide detector come on and off a couple of times. The electricity to the entire house flickered and then went off leaving us in complete darkness.

We did the usual things – check to see if the neighbor’s lights were off (indicating it was a widespread outage not just something at our house), get a flashlight, and go to set up the generator.

OUCH, we realized that our generator was out in the barn. When I looked outside it was a white-out blizzard. And I admit my emotions dipped. The thought of bundling up for 15-degree weather, going outside, getting in the car, driving to the barn, opening gates which are probably frozen from ice, lifting the generator into the car, bringing it back and setting it up on the porch with all the snow and wind just did not sound like a good time.

And then my husband said “Let’s wait and see if they get it back on” and I agreed to wait for an hour. My 94-year-old grandmother lives with us and would not fare well if the house became cold. So we waited, half hour later the electricity flashed on for second and then went off again.

At that point I really focused on giving thanks for the person who was troubleshooting this issue where ever they maybe. And I started focusing on finding the benefit of this event! I truly enjoyed the darkness, and the lack of any kind of radio waves from all the devices which are “necessary” nowadays. I enjoyed being cozy under a big blanket. I gave thanks for the person who was in the process of returning electricity to us.

That electricity supplies not only our heat and our light but also our water from the well. All the things taken for granted just in the course of the day.

At 55 minutes after the electricity went out, it came back on. Gratitude for listening to my husband! The relief and gratitude of not having to go to the barn was immense. The gratitude for those people working at the electric power plant or on the line was very deeply heartfelt. And as we started the pellet stove, gratitude for heat, light and comfort was almost overwhelming.

How often do you give gratitude for electricity, water and sewer?

I am reminded of the saying “big things are made out of lots of little things…” I invite you look around you every day with gratitude for the little things like a functioning outlet or faucet…

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Acceptance, Hope and Balance

We are nearing the end of 2018. Astrologist Roy Neal pointed out that since August it has been a time of transition, healing and empowerment. It has shown up in powerful ways, individually and globally. Transition is a term used in giving birth. It can be a painful time. Most women forget the pain of birthing once a new life is brought forth.

My astrological chart clearly showed that this time for me was a transition of life or death. And so it was. By surviving surgical complications I escaped physical death or permanent disability. I did not know this was in my chart until I met with Mr. Neal for a reading and he pointed it out to me. My chart also shows that I “make it” into next year. Many things of the past did die with me as I lay recovering in a stroke rehabilitation hospital learning how to negotiate my new life of differing limitations. Since a blood clot damaged my spinal cord after a cervical fusion my unconscious perception of time and space and where my body is doesn’t function well. Fatigue makes it worse. Keeping balance not only in my body but my life is of utmost importance. Things that used to matter, no longer do. New lessons of rebirth are taking place.

Here are just a few new life lessons I learned about balance:

Self care is as important as caring for others. Each person is responsible for their own healing path. I used to hold healing for others. I carried it for them. I still can share what healing I have experienced, but ultimately each one has their own personal responsibility to heal. Healing can take a moment or a lifetime. I personally am grateful to have this opportunity to eventually leave this planet with the same spiritual wholeness I came in with. Putting my own healing first might set a good model for someone else to do the same. My nursing staff sent a thank you card saying I was pleasant and motivated. Yep- sure was! They even took me outdoors to the healing garden for my physical therapy, as I insisted nature was healing.

Holding space for healing has changed to creating space for healing. By releasing what does not resonate with me, and setting a clear boundary, it creates a space. What I have experienced and share may not resonate with someone else, and may even seem the polar opposite. I can let go now and wish them the best on the journey.

Coach Martha Keul once shared a coaching technique with me called “unpacking your backpack.” All of us carry with us on our back a sack of rocks. They could be limiting beliefs, obligations, mind sets, responsibilities, unfinished business, dependencies etc. It is a good idea to dump out that backpack and do an inventory from time to time. Decide if you really want to name and keep that rock or rid yourself of it. Lighten your load when you can. Laying in a hospital and relearning something you never had to think about before like walking or getting to the bathroom can really change whats in your backpack!

Forgiveness means more than letting go. It is actually giving something back that does not belong to you. If you are damaged because someone did something awful to you, why help them continue to damage you? Give it back! It is not yours, it doesn’t belong to you.

Balance is about self worth.  Relationships were always more important to me than money or material belongings. Having too much money or too little money is out of balance. People can also sacrifice themselves to hang onto a relationship and they become victims and martyrs. Balance is not self less or selfish. It is just self- who you uniquely are without all the over lays.  Having more material things that can be replaced may be easier than the pain of a failed relationship. Not having healthy relationships and suffering poverty is dismal.  It is also relative to each individuals circumstances. How I perceive things and my reality often differs from the next person. Hospital bills without insurance are monumental. It might mean life or death to someone. I firmly believe and practice alternative healthcare. Surgical intervention became a necessity. I have had to stand in my truth as to what my reality actually is.

As I continue healing I understand why my polarized shadow side is there. I can offer that same acceptance of others shadow side without judgment. I can’t obliterate things I don’t like or agree with. But I have a new found peace and I can choose what works for me and what doesn’t. I can agree to disagree and not take things too personal. I am not being personally rejected. I learned in a political discussion recently that even the darkest of times can become a catalyst to cure apathy and complacency and drive people to the light! History has shown that certain aspects are not good for the whole and eventually fail repeatedly. Some people in certain countries have spent their entire lives in dictatorships, not necessarily by choice. If I hang on to what does not belong to me I am my own dictator. I cause myself suffering when I could try something different. How can I relate in order to create health and well being in decision making, relationships and situations?

Letting go and releasing may not always be a process. Saying I am DONE, truly meaning it and not taking it back puts a quick end to internal debates. I often agonize over decisions, when a clear choice really lightens the load. I say YES now to ease and flow and what brings inner peace.

I was counseled by humble Mr. Roy to quit attaching guilt to my boundary setting. So now I am like the America’s Got Talent Show. “It’s a NO for me!” It might be someones cup of tea, but I don’t care for Chai! No guilt attached and it is not personal. What not might be for me- might be an opportunity for someone else to excel. Variety is the spice (Chai Tea) of life.

I have researched a concept referred to as Karmic Balancing. To simplify it, the night I was born the sign of Cancer was in transit and in opposition to who I truly am as a freedom loving Sagittarius. I left my childhood believing family, work and responsibility was the way I earn acceptance and self worth. There is no joy in that equation. I could not play, unless all my work and responsibilities were done. They were never done. I tried to fill in the space left by damaged parenting. Likely what my Mother called rebelliousness was just me trying to break the reins of restraint. I am often referred to as crazy. I am neither rebellious or crazy, my joy is the freedom to be me. Hence my love for horses and healing through coaching. What was acceptable to others was like cancer to the authentic me. I have hid my spirituality, love for freedom and my true belief system for most of my life. I thought I was protecting myself and others that I loved. When I am backed into a corner the freedom loving horse spirit fights or flees. No wonder I have such a deep connection with wild horses who are deemed worthless and of no value. Please don’t fence my spirit in. Roy Neal said that I should be a spiritual warrior for myself. I have decided to embrace my crazy!

As a child I learned that I was not worthy of material or financial support. My biological father abandoned me and never paid any child support. Never offered any support in any manner. My step-father was not my biological father and I was told repeatedly that he was not responsible for me. My Mother worked outside of the home to financially support two children. Work made her feel better about herself. Relationships failed her. Food was plentiful, but not material things. I over ate to relieve emotional pain. Relationships became very important to me. Money and things were for necessities and making ends meet. Relationships were so important that being extremely service minded was a result. I gladly gave away freely my education and life experience if it would help someone else to heal. Even if it cost me dearly. The person/relationship was more important than money or financial value. Relationship was priceless and of value. I only appear stoic on the outside.

Mr. Neal reminded me firmly that from now on I am to be treated fairly and with equity. This does not necessarily equate to financial gain, but that energetically I am worthy of a fair and equitable exchange for what I invest in others. Respect, appreciation etc. I was often left feeling like a failure when my love, compassion and life long learning experiences were outright rejected, ignored or not responded to. I always encourage independence in clients but I expect them to show up and participate fully.

Acceptance this year has to do with believing that things were not as traumatic as they seemed. What could have happened with a cervical fusion and complications was a very dark place. Hope is about how to get through this transition. Hope is about an eventual positive outcome and working towards it. Balance is about being determined that I will prevail in my new outcome or rebirth. It is time for my soul to break forth from the inside outward. Mr. Roy Neal even gave me a new definition for joy. I have been working for years on replacing grief in my heart with joy. Please note the term “working.” Who “works” on being joyful? Joy is a state of “Being.” My joy is simply the freedom to be me, embrace myself in my authenticity. I only need to lay down an energetic path of lightness for others to follow. I have been given a late in life opportunity to become more balanced. I can hardly wait to meet the new empowered me in 2019. I am sure that I will be recognizable as I will retain many of my positive attributes. Practicing love and compassion for self and others is balanced by discernment and clarity. Practicing balance is life sustaining, even as my body ages.

I will also begin offering New Reality coaching as part of my repertoire. This coaching is for those who have an inkling that something is shifting and want to explore and create a new reality. We will explore together all kinds of meta physical inspiration and take journeys into new dimensions.

As Disney character Buzz Lightyear says: “to infinity and beyond!”

Roy Neal is a professional astrologer with a private practice. Contact Roy at 720-962-4633.

Awesome Pie!

 

Photo credit: https://www.piesareawesome.com/

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward Blog

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they were so passionate and positive about their topic that you could not help getting the feeling I want some of that? I have and then re-counting the conversation to someone else with equal passion the words just came to my mouth: “I want some of that awesome pie!”

I recently have been thinking about that situation and how great it felt. And it got me to wondering, why is it when a person speaks to me about an event it actually comes to life? Whereas looking at a website or Facebook post or any other visual media provides a rather bla experience in comparison…

I believe the answer is trust. Even if it is someone I don’t know; if they are so excited about the event that it just bubbles fourth, I trust that the event had value. The feeling is stronger if it is from someone in my circle; people who are like me. People with similar tastes. That is when I really step up and say where can I get a slice of that awesome pie?

I went on a trip to Peru a few years ago to ride horses up through the mountains. I cannot speak the language, yet I jumped at the chance to do this. Why? Because the person setting it up was someone I knew and trusted. I knew they had experience with  the country, and I knew it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. That trip changed my life! It showed me how capable I am, and how much joy can come from trusting. Trusting the horse, the trail, my balance, the Universe, and ultimately myself.

I think an interesting thing about awesome pi is that each slice contains something different. They may all have the same main ingredient, but each slice has additional ingredients not in the others.

I am in the process of learning how to make awesome pies. What does that look like? I start with something incredible that happened in my life, and I start talking about how it felt and what meant to me.  If the person listening provides uninterested feedback, I thank them in my head and save that slice of pie for someone else who is hungry. There is nothing wrong with being full. When someone has awesome pi to share with me, I get my fork out in anticipation.

If I can make a suggestion, I would ask you to create your own recipe for awesome pie… Start with something that moves you, then sprinkle in a little of the surrounding environment, and top it off with what you got out of it…

and then share…

Creating Space

In the meta-physical healing world, we often use the phrase “holding space.” In essence we are holding space for the individual, situation or set of circumstances to work itself out to the highest possible outcome. We are holding that the vast wisdom of the Universe and the powerful divine energy field expand and manifest in ways we don’t even imagine. We look for shifts and insights and movement to the out workings beyond the difficulty. This is not passive- but active. We might also ask for whatever the person needs at this time to be given to them. Perhaps it is strength or courage or healing, stamina or endurance. Perhaps we ask our angels and guides to team up with other Beings in alignment with the person or circumstance.

People often ask me to hold space for them. I gladly do so. I show up in ways that I can for them, but I rely heavily on the unseen energetic Beings and the energy forces of the Universe to do the heavy lifting.

I have had my own health issues in recent months. This required three spinal injections of steroids to reduce inflammation. I do not like to even think about a needle so close to my spine. Soon I will be having a cervical spine fusion. Fusion to me infers lack of mobility- which seems a negative connotation.

However, I giggled out loud after the first injection. They explained that they were trying to “create space” around the nerve that was being pinched by reducing the inflammation. I love this concept about creating space! Right away I thought about how the Universe is not stagnant- it is constantly moving and expanding. Are we not microcosms of the Universe? Can we create space within? The spinal fusion will actually “create space” so that the pressure on my nerves, spinal cord and the stenosis causing pooling of spinal fluid and a lack of it traveling to my brain will be corrected. Yes- I will experience some lack of mobility in my vertebrae. Right now I actually have too much movement and instability in those areas. The cushions and stability lost due to disc degeneration will be stabilized. Bone spurs have developed as an attempt to stabilize the disc degeneration, but the bony growths are poking my spinal cord. This will create space for me to have a better quality of life, instead of continuing to deteriorate.

A client recently was having somewhat of a meltdown. She asked me “where, where was her courage located in her body?” I paused a moment collecting my thoughts and was about to proceed to discuss energetically about where courage was located in the Chakra system. Before I could open my mouth she declared profoundly that she knew- her courage was located in all the in between spaces where she hadn’t been looking!

My pause created a space so they she could allow her own answer to rise up from within her. I created space and she created space. We were not holding onto anything. It went from passive to taking action. I had a shift in consciousness. So did my client. I now create space instead of holding space. It seems so much more expansive. I am not holding anything but creating and reflecting inner and outer space. It creates energetic movement, and allows what needs to happen. See if you can create a paradigm shift!

Note:  On August 22nd, I had cervical spinal fusion surgery.  While in recovery, I developed a complication.  A blood clot/hematoma formed behind the surgical repair.  I lost the nerve response in my legs.  Emergency surgery removed the clot and cleaned up the area.  I was later sent to a rehab hospital to re-learn how to walk.  I am still off balance and wobbly.  I also have swelling and nerve deficits through my left shoulder, arm and hand.  I am going to out patient physical therapy twice per week. I am “creating space” around healing and recovery.  I am told that I have been a pleasant patient and that I am motivated.  As per my previous post, I was willing to accept, adapt and release.  If you feel motivated too, please take a silent moment to create space around healing and recovery too.  Thank you!

Stellar Jay

Written by Carroll a member of Women Move It Forward

Recently the universe answered my request for a business partnership of some sort. This request and prayer is one I have been breathing for about 8 months and for several months Ant Spirit Guide has been sending the message of teamwork. Don’t go pushing all alone.

The day we scheduled our first “business” meeting I was presented with a beautiful fluffy and brilliant blue Stellar Jay feather. I looked up the meaning and the message hit home!

Shamanic Journey (some excerpts)

Website Link

Jay’s gifts include understanding how to use power wisely, warning, courage, ability to check on future trouble spots, power of presence (being in the eternal now), fearlessness, resourcefulness, adaptability.

Jay’s show us how to use personal power correctly and effectively, reminding us to pay attention and to not allow ourselves to be put in a situation where power is misused against us. If this is your power animal, bear this in mind.

The bright blue crest atop the blue jays head, connects it to the sky, reminding you true power must be applied in a balanced and honorable fashion. Jays are tremendously resourceful, which may symbolize a need inside of you to learn adaptability for survival with less effort possible.

Jays symbolize huge talent, however, this talent must be developed and used correctly. If jay has flown into your life, this may be a signal that you are coming into a time where you can begin to help the inherent wisdom that lies within you (within us all!) to mature.

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I have been receiving the message to take risks and step into my power and it looks like I have a spirit guide now…

Are you looking to step more fully into your power? If so, call on Blue Jay to help and guide you.

Unexpected Variables

Life in physical form is full of unexpected variables. Perhaps there is a silver lining in the clouds, or a gift inside major illness or life transition.  Perhaps crisis and chaos really are the pathways to potential, possibilities and opportunities.  Make lemonade out of lemons is the old adage.  The glass IS really half full, not half empty.  All is as it is supposed to be.  Let’s not oversimplify the process though!

A friend from out of state was visiting recently, and we went on a hike into Castlewood Canyon. My husband helped to guide us across large boulders and the river to my favorite place in the canyon where the water cascades and creates small waterfalls.  In preparation, I purchased a walking stick a couple of days before.  I have been experiencing balance issues.  My husband took a “fall for me” into the rocks and water to get me to the right spot.  He got scraped a little.  My friend and I did a blessing ceremony of “rebirth” for a mutual friend with serious physical ailments.  I released prayers and sacred herbs into the water.  The words that Spirit gave to me to use in the blessing that day for the ailing friend were Acceptance, Adapt and Release.  Out of a higher heart of compassion, I do what I can- but then I turn the rest over to Spirit to handle the unexpected variables.

For me it has been another year of constant shifting. I have been learning that things are not always as traumatic as they may seem.  If you can shift to the acceptance part, you may begin to see how to adapt to these unexpected variable situations.  This part is easier said than done.  Likely there is some internal struggle.  The release part which may include anger, loss and tears, can actually allow something else to come in. A shift in awareness may begin to fill that emptied space.  Perhaps it is a question of timing, prioritizing, soul searching, managing, clearing out what no longer serves you, checking back in with your values.  In my lowest moments, I have had to re-evaluate all that I hold dear.

As an example, Bailey the Master Healer energy worker horse survived displacement colic last November. It was painful to watch her struggle and go down.  Because she is basically a wild horse, never stalled, colic surgery was out of the question.  The Vet did all she could do, then we waited.  I also did all I knew how to do.  I went into shock feeling her distress.  Somewhere around 2:00 in the morning, I had to move into acceptance, turning the outcome over to spirit and thinking about what life might be like without Bailey.  I grieved.  I was cold to the bones in the barn, and went inside to warm myself.  An hour later I went back out to check on her.  She nickered at me and asked if I was going to feed her!  Well, no, I couldn’t.  She had passed enormous amounts of gas, and passed tiny amounts of very hard stool, but she was not out of the woods.  Those things helped her colon to return to its proper place.  She remained on sloppy senior equine for a week and lost weight.  She is still with us.  I had to “release” her before she actually turned the corner. Huh.

That was only the first part of the equation. I have had many horse health issues to deal with the past few months. Perhaps they have all been displaying what was coming for me.  They taught me lessons that would become valuable.  My husband and I are aging.  I have more health issues than he does.  However, aging changes are sneaky.  Your body changes and doesn’t always support you as it once did. These are unexpected variables.

I was having what I thought were shoulder issues. It was a shock when x-rays and an MRI showed that my cervical spine in my neck had deteriorated and was causing nerve damage.  (Like I was 82, not 62)! It is not exactly life threatening, but somewhat painful, uncomfortable and annoying.  There is weakness in my left arm and pain across the nerve in my shoulder.  Interrupted spinal fluid in my head causes pressure and dizziness.  I am physically off balance.  I am tired from only being able to sleep on my right side.  I have disc deterioration, bone spurs, calcification and a vertebrae lying on my spinal cord.  It could severe my spinal cord if I were rear ended, had a bad fall or came off a horse. I am a very private person.  I don’t like medical treatment or medications. I can reveal however that it really upset my apple cart.  I felt like I ran directly into the old age wall.

It has taken me months to practice acceptance, adapting and release. I have had to release many things and practice the guidance I have shared above.  I have seen a Shaman and other alternative spiritual treatments to get to the root of the issue.  I have an integrative Doctor, with the same cervical spine issues who carefully sent me to specialists.  I have had 3 spinal injections of steroids to reduce the inflammation, and create space for my damaged nerve.  I am seeing a conservative neurosurgeon later this month.

So much has been revealed to me during this process. On a spiritual level, it seems that my higher heart during this lifetime has been broken and manifested this brokenness on a physical level.  I carry such a high level of compassion/ coupled with guilt and the feeling of failure because I can’t always accomplish what is placed before me.  It pains me to witness the suffering of humanity.  My daughter calls it compassion fatigue.

You see we have a life purpose, but we also have a soul purpose. One of my spiritual healing friends placed me in a portal next to a gently flowing river, and her guides had me go back to before I manifested here to see where the misalignment occurred.  Her guides told her I had the innate ability to unwind that DNA (human and energetic imprint) and change it myself.  Sounds crazy, right?  We manifest into the physical to experience these unexpected variables.  So, in essence, I am now expanding, repairing my broken higher heart and traveling through higher consciousness in the upper eight through 12 and beyond energy centers (chakras), looking for the answers or remembering what I am to learn here as a higher healing Being, my souls journey.  I was aided to strip away a blockage created in my physical body or shell.  Accepting, adapting and releasing created shifts and awareness in my spiritual being.  Our spiritual journey is expansive- with no limitations. Phew.  What a powerful journey.

Strength of Vulnerability

Photo by Abhiram Prakash on Pexels.com

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

Written by Carroll Ellis a member of Women Move it Forward

I am finding the spaces where I am vulnerable show my places of strength. Many years ago I found out learning requires a place of vulnerability. Just look at children they are the quintessential learners and they are so comfortable in that space of not knowing.  The excitement when learning is presented with enthusiasm and passion is precious as it beams from their faces.

Now days where appearances are all important being authentic and shouting to the world “I don’t know this… I am not good at this…” requires strength of character. Willingness to accept unpleasant comments or looks of disgust because others are pretending that they know and can do everything takes lots of courage.

I am finding that courage in mother earth. When I am connected and grounded to her I feel a sense of support and encouragement that cannot be sneered away. In my last new moon meditation I asked one of the guides “where do I find courage inside of me?” And her response had me laughing. She said “in all the nooks and crannies.” Those spaces are only big enough to hold a drop of courage.  Just one drop at a time tucked away in corners and hidden all over is all I can see.  And working through this, I am finding courage is very potent, one drop will move me past the first step and that’s all that’s needed. After the first step momentum kicks in and there’s no turning back.

Voluntarily stepping into spaces where I know I am vulnerable is the same thing as me shouting to the world “I don’t know this now, but just watch I will learn it so well you will seek my council.”

Do you have things you don’t know? If you do and if you seek out your drops of courage, I will get in line to seek your council.

 

Friendships

“He who returns from a journey is not the same as he who left”.

Summer has come to end. The heat and rain of 2018 will be long remembered, but most memorable will be my 2680 mile road trip. As I mentioned in my previous blog I did not go to any exotic location. My trip was charted by destiny. It started with me placing pins on a map of where old friends, horses I knew and relatives still lived throughout the eastern US. It also included seeing old homes, special roads or views that I loved.  I learned that my bones take a bit longer to straighten out after being in a car for any length of time, but my eyes were just as bright exploring new roads and re-experiencing old trails.

The last part of my trip took me to SW Pennsylvania. The scenery; hills of green, winding rivers and forest so lush and thick they were intoxicating, brought me back home.   I visited my old work place and got caught up with my co-harts.  I rode horses down familiar trails and even went to visit my old homestead(s). It was nostalgic and a bit sad, but clearly evident to me that the home and land was no longer part of whom I was.

But one thing, above all stood out to me on this trip. One evening my girlfriend got all the other ladies together that I knew.  When I lived there I was part of a monthly “horsey girl night out” where we shared stories about our horses, training we learned about or brought a video or two to discuss. I loved this group of women but really didn’t imagine I’d be able to see so many of them during my stay. When I walked in, I briefly looked around and took note of their changes and then there I was. Again, smack in the middle of stories, laughter, crying and hugs. I had to pinch myself to remind myself that I was no longer a regular part of this group.

What made this group just like going home to family? I quickly realized that it was not necessarily the monthly get togethers that bonded us, but really quite more.  We all had been there for each other through snow storms, loss of electricity, helped each other with sick or injured horses, rode the hills together, vacationed with our horses together, lifted each one up when a job was lost, a child became sick or a family memeber died.  We loved each other just as much for our faults and as our virtues. We had seen the worse of each other, the quirky sides and even the best from time to time. Is this what binds a family, a group, a village or nation I mused about during those 2 1/2 weeks on the road?

For me, growing up in a military family and moving often, I used to believe that the wonderful places I experienced overshadowed the many, many friendships I made. I was wrong. Here was a group of strong, independent women that became my family for only 12 years and yet when we met again after 5 years, we were as connected as ever! Most other people, I suspect know and understand the value of friendship and may not even questioned or think much about it. But for me the profound ability to reconnect and not be the one looking from the outside in (as was my regular pattern) was amazing and something I will cherish always.

To friendship!

Barbara is the owner and president of Wayfinding with Horses, Inc.  She is trained in the Equine Gestalt Coaching Method, a retired Professional Engineer and Qi Gong Instructor but mostly she is a woman passionate about horses, their wellbeing and their gift of being present. The horses help her clients to trust their true nature and lead from the heart.  Clients often report a heightened awareness of their surroundings and others while experiencing a deeper, more profound understanding of their relationships and connection to others.  Barbara lives at Wayfinding Farm, located near Ocala Florida.

Finding Outlets for Collective Rage

I’ve found an outlet for my collective rage. Thank God. And by collective rage, I mean the righteous anger that arises within me on behalf of all womankind every time I hear a #metoo story, every time I hear a woman’s voice being dismissed, and every time I hear that power is being wielded blindly, ignorantly and malevolently to exacerbate human suffering.

Since the inauguration of the 45th President, my insides have been slowly boiling. I’ve written letters and called my representatives, I’ve connected deeply with friends and family who share my pain for what is happening in our country and I’ve done my fair share of yelling and screaming to release myself from the grip of my outrage. But the news keeps on coming and our society now is beginning this simultaneously beautiful and horrific purging associated with the #metoo and #time’s up movements. And yet power structures continue to perpetrate grave injustices against people of color, immigrants, children and women. Reasonable people disagree as the lines between opinion and fact are blurred and certainty is valued over curiosity and compassion.

You know. We’re all living this upheaval in which we are disgusted and horrified on a near daily basis to hear stories of powerful individuals, primarily white men, who have used power to do harm. We all meet this moment with a reckoning based on our personal experiences, our personal stories and our empathy for our sisters (and brothers). We’re all finding our ways to actively engage, purposefully disengage, and to cope.

As a highly sensitive person with a stubbornly idealistic streak, my walk of this path has been a shaky one. Six months ago I joined a women’s boxing gym called Jabz and fell fully in love. Hitting heavy bags to loud music while surrounded and cheered by women has become key to my self-care. There are women there of every shape, size and age, all together to work out, punch stuff and feel good about themselves.

While listening to a podcast by Danielle LaPorte the other day (side note: I highly recommend her podcasts on sacred activism and sacred living) I was struck by her take on rage and the value of bringing your righteous rage to your practice, be it yoga, meditation, running, hiking or what have you.

“Devote that physical movement to a cause…use your body as a sacred tool,” Danielle LaPorte.

I realized that this is exactly what I’ve been doing at Jabz. As I hit those bags with my rage, it releases, and the fire of that anger takes on the shape of love and faith—a fervent, strident, insistent faith in the prevailing power of love and the ability of love to conquer all.

This practice has been essential in empowering me to be more fully engaged and to take the actions that both stir my soul and contribute to the collective good.

What self-care practices have supported your sacred activism in the last year? I want to hear!

Adventure in an Equine Surgical Procedure

Usually I try to be upbeat and share something inspiring in this blog. Today I am too worn out to be upbeat. I am grateful in my bones, just beyond the aches.  Some people seem to take things in stride, going from one thing to the next.  This may be the shortest blog I ever write.  I will totally understand those who wish to skip this one- or who have even greater health tales to tell about equines.

We fell in love with an “oh- so- cute,” rescued from the kill buyer black and white paint horse, fifteen months ago. Her name is Eclipse.  She is a sweet “heart” horse.  She is 14 hands and 889 pounds.  We soon nick named her “Missy 2 Bears.”  In her Tobiano patches on her right side dwell two bears, one white and one black.  I am sure she is a Medicine Horse!

I soon noticed that something was not quite right about our Missy. Her back end and hind legs were messy all of the time.  She was a (shhhh) dirty girl!  She was constantly in heat, not just urinating but discharging fecal fluid.  Fecal fluid is not diarrhea.  When she lifted her tail to squirt, she squirted both urine and fecal fluid.  It ran down her rump and pooled and encrusted around her legs.  Ugh!  I spent more time cleaning the back end than I did talking to her face.  I also cleaned the barn walls and stalls.

The first Veterinarian reported that she was just hormonal. We also had a fecal done to rule out parasites.  They squirted a syringe called a “charcoal sponge” into her mouth to help dry her up.  It came out pretty much the way it looked when it went in, and stained her hind end and legs black.  We tried probiotics and psyllium and other assorted supplements.  The second Vet we consulted suggested that perhaps Missy had an ovarian tumor.  An ultrasound was scheduled.  It showed an abnormality.  We were told that the tumors are usually benign, and don’t produce cells that travel and form malignancies elsewhere.

We have spent the week transporting Missy back and forth to CSU Equine Veterinary College located in Ft. Collins, Colorado. It is a 6 hour round trip.  We took her up the day before surgery, and brought her home the day after.  The surgery was performed “standing.”  She was given sedation, locals and both ovaries were removed by laparoscopy. Missy had a granulosa theca cell tumor.  Cancer encased inside her enlarged ovary.  It produced a hormonal hurricane in our little mare.  The day before she came home we built her a special pen so that she can be kept quiet and still see the rest of her horse friends.  It is day four, and she is still lethargic and sore and does not have much appetite.  She will be confined for two weeks, with hand walking several times a day until the sutures are removed.  Both flanks are shaved and she has sutures on both flanks.

The CSU clinic was a beehive of activity. At intake we stood in a large holding area along with a tall warmblood, a draft horse and a pretty strawberry roan paint horse with chrome, and many others.  Earlier a mule had caused quite the uproar in the intake area.  Missy was stalled next to a pretty horse that was having a thyroid tumor removed.  Her owner had travelled from Durango in southern Colorado to northern Colorado.  The owner had a motel room.

Missy had a wonderful 4th year veterinarian student who cared for her while she was in the clinic. I am proud of how well Missy did.  She was impeccable at loading into our trailer.  My husband Tom was a trooper.  He reports his neck, shoulders and arms are in pain from gripping the steering wheel so tight.  My head hurts from clenching my teeth.  We older folks are tired to the bone.  But all is well, and the prognosis for the patient is GOOD!  Missy 2 Bears is only 14 years old, and she should have a long life still in front of her.  Perhaps someone dumped her at auction, where the kill buyer got her because they didn’t want to deal with her messy problem.  Somehow, she found her way to us.  I am grateful we could do what we could.  Missy is very bonded to our big Mustang, Spirit.  Hopefully they will grow old in the paddock together.

We will be spending the next two weeks caregiving for our girl. Grateful we are indeed that she will get better.  The Vet bill was less than we first thought.  It only cost one arm, not an arm and a leg.  If the tumor were larger we could not have afforded general anesthesia as they opened her abdomen.

BTW, Equine Surgeons are quite similar to human surgeons. Experts at what they do.  Not much time to chat.  In the meantime, I have missed much of what went on in the world this week, and a couple of my friend’s birthdays.  I apologize.  I am still a happy balloon, but somehow the air escaped and I am flat for now!