We are nearing the end of 2018. Astrologist Roy Neal pointed out that since August it has been a time of transition, healing and empowerment. It has shown up in powerful ways, individually and globally. Transition is a term used in giving birth. It can be a painful time. Most women forget the pain of birthing once a new life is brought forth.
My astrological chart clearly showed that this time for me was a transition of life or death. And so it was. By surviving surgical complications I escaped physical death or permanent disability. I did not know this was in my chart until I met with Mr. Neal for a reading and he pointed it out to me. My chart also shows that I “make it” into next year. Many things of the past did die with me as I lay recovering in a stroke rehabilitation hospital learning how to negotiate my new life of differing limitations. Since a blood clot damaged my spinal cord after a cervical fusion my unconscious perception of time and space and where my body is doesn’t function well. Fatigue makes it worse. Keeping balance not only in my body but my life is of utmost importance. Things that used to matter, no longer do. New lessons of rebirth are taking place.
Here are just a few new life lessons I learned about balance:
Self care is as important as caring for others. Each person is responsible for their own healing path. I used to hold healing for others. I carried it for them. I still can share what healing I have experienced, but ultimately each one has their own personal responsibility to heal. Healing can take a moment or a lifetime. I personally am grateful to have this opportunity to eventually leave this planet with the same spiritual wholeness I came in with. Putting my own healing first might set a good model for someone else to do the same. My nursing staff sent a thank you card saying I was pleasant and motivated. Yep- sure was! They even took me outdoors to the healing garden for my physical therapy, as I insisted nature was healing.
Holding space for healing has changed to creating space for healing. By releasing what does not resonate with me, and setting a clear boundary, it creates a space. What I have experienced and share may not resonate with someone else, and may even seem the polar opposite. I can let go now and wish them the best on the journey.
Coach Martha Keul once shared a coaching technique with me called “unpacking your backpack.” All of us carry with us on our back a sack of rocks. They could be limiting beliefs, obligations, mind sets, responsibilities, unfinished business, dependencies etc. It is a good idea to dump out that backpack and do an inventory from time to time. Decide if you really want to name and keep that rock or rid yourself of it. Lighten your load when you can. Laying in a hospital and relearning something you never had to think about before like walking or getting to the bathroom can really change whats in your backpack!
Forgiveness means more than letting go. It is actually giving something back that does not belong to you. If you are damaged because someone did something awful to you, why help them continue to damage you? Give it back! It is not yours, it doesn’t belong to you.
Balance is about self worth. Relationships were always more important to me than money or material belongings. Having too much money or too little money is out of balance. People can also sacrifice themselves to hang onto a relationship and they become victims and martyrs. Balance is not self less or selfish. It is just self- who you uniquely are without all the over lays. Having more material things that can be replaced may be easier than the pain of a failed relationship. Not having healthy relationships and suffering poverty is dismal. It is also relative to each individuals circumstances. How I perceive things and my reality often differs from the next person. Hospital bills without insurance are monumental. It might mean life or death to someone. I firmly believe and practice alternative healthcare. Surgical intervention became a necessity. I have had to stand in my truth as to what my reality actually is.
As I continue healing I understand why my polarized shadow side is there. I can offer that same acceptance of others shadow side without judgment. I can’t obliterate things I don’t like or agree with. But I have a new found peace and I can choose what works for me and what doesn’t. I can agree to disagree and not take things too personal. I am not being personally rejected. I learned in a political discussion recently that even the darkest of times can become a catalyst to cure apathy and complacency and drive people to the light! History has shown that certain aspects are not good for the whole and eventually fail repeatedly. Some people in certain countries have spent their entire lives in dictatorships, not necessarily by choice. If I hang on to what does not belong to me I am my own dictator. I cause myself suffering when I could try something different. How can I relate in order to create health and well being in decision making, relationships and situations?
Letting go and releasing may not always be a process. Saying I am DONE, truly meaning it and not taking it back puts a quick end to internal debates. I often agonize over decisions, when a clear choice really lightens the load. I say YES now to ease and flow and what brings inner peace.
I was counseled by humble Mr. Roy to quit attaching guilt to my boundary setting. So now I am like the America’s Got Talent Show. “It’s a NO for me!” It might be someones cup of tea, but I don’t care for Chai! No guilt attached and it is not personal. What not might be for me- might be an opportunity for someone else to excel. Variety is the spice (Chai Tea) of life.
I have researched a concept referred to as Karmic Balancing. To simplify it, the night I was born the sign of Cancer was in transit and in opposition to who I truly am as a freedom loving Sagittarius. I left my childhood believing family, work and responsibility was the way I earn acceptance and self worth. There is no joy in that equation. I could not play, unless all my work and responsibilities were done. They were never done. I tried to fill in the space left by damaged parenting. Likely what my Mother called rebelliousness was just me trying to break the reins of restraint. I am often referred to as crazy. I am neither rebellious or crazy, my joy is the freedom to be me. Hence my love for horses and healing through coaching. What was acceptable to others was like cancer to the authentic me. I have hid my spirituality, love for freedom and my true belief system for most of my life. I thought I was protecting myself and others that I loved. When I am backed into a corner the freedom loving horse spirit fights or flees. No wonder I have such a deep connection with wild horses who are deemed worthless and of no value. Please don’t fence my spirit in. Roy Neal said that I should be a spiritual warrior for myself. I have decided to embrace my crazy!
As a child I learned that I was not worthy of material or financial support. My biological father abandoned me and never paid any child support. Never offered any support in any manner. My step-father was not my biological father and I was told repeatedly that he was not responsible for me. My Mother worked outside of the home to financially support two children. Work made her feel better about herself. Relationships failed her. Food was plentiful, but not material things. I over ate to relieve emotional pain. Relationships became very important to me. Money and things were for necessities and making ends meet. Relationships were so important that being extremely service minded was a result. I gladly gave away freely my education and life experience if it would help someone else to heal. Even if it cost me dearly. The person/relationship was more important than money or financial value. Relationship was priceless and of value. I only appear stoic on the outside.
Mr. Neal reminded me firmly that from now on I am to be treated fairly and with equity. This does not necessarily equate to financial gain, but that energetically I am worthy of a fair and equitable exchange for what I invest in others. Respect, appreciation etc. I was often left feeling like a failure when my love, compassion and life long learning experiences were outright rejected, ignored or not responded to. I always encourage independence in clients but I expect them to show up and participate fully.
Acceptance this year has to do with believing that things were not as traumatic as they seemed. What could have happened with a cervical fusion and complications was a very dark place. Hope is about how to get through this transition. Hope is about an eventual positive outcome and working towards it. Balance is about being determined that I will prevail in my new outcome or rebirth. It is time for my soul to break forth from the inside outward. Mr. Roy Neal even gave me a new definition for joy. I have been working for years on replacing grief in my heart with joy. Please note the term “working.” Who “works” on being joyful? Joy is a state of “Being.” My joy is simply the freedom to be me, embrace myself in my authenticity. I only need to lay down an energetic path of lightness for others to follow. I have been given a late in life opportunity to become more balanced. I can hardly wait to meet the new empowered me in 2019. I am sure that I will be recognizable as I will retain many of my positive attributes. Practicing love and compassion for self and others is balanced by discernment and clarity. Practicing balance is life sustaining, even as my body ages.
I will also begin offering New Reality coaching as part of my repertoire. This coaching is for those who have an inkling that something is shifting and want to explore and create a new reality. We will explore together all kinds of meta physical inspiration and take journeys into new dimensions.
As Disney character Buzz Lightyear says: “to infinity and beyond!”
Roy Neal is a professional astrologer with a private practice. Contact Roy at 720-962-4633.
This was the drawing I created to reflect that. I was able to smile and let go of the exhaustion in a way that allowed me to continue. The dress turned out beautiful and was a perfect fit.
