What in the World…..?

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animal communication, Animals, balance, cats, Centered, change, Vision

A post by Ashara Morris, one of the Women Moving it Forward.

There has been a lot of unhappy things in the news lately, it seems. Our country is becoming Fascist; innocent people are being murdered for no reason other than someone doesn’t like their religious beliefs, or the color of their skin, or one of a hundred other “reasons”; animals are being thrown out of the windows of cars, or left to die on a road, or in a backyard.

All my life I’ve loved animals. I’ve always felt that people, for the most part, can take care of themselves, and if they can’t, they should be cared for. There are millions of caring, loving people out there who do their best for the humans who cannot help themselves. But the animals have no voice that most are willing to listen to – because if they did, they would be humbled. The animals don’t have much in the way of rights, either, but that’s another blog.

Let’s talk about hearing those animal voices, and how thoughtless some humans are to those species who can’t say out loud, “No matter what, I love you.”

I saw a post on Facebook the other day about a kitten who was thrown out of the window of a car. This happened in the county and state in which I live, and I have never been so saddened by an event. Tossed away like a piece of garbage. Discarded.

A LIFE.

What must those people think of themselves? How fearful they must be that they are so without value that it’s okay to devalue another life, and as a result feel better about themselves. I can tell myself that all day, and I mostly have compassion for those people who would throw a kitten, a living being, away like a piece of trash. Compassion is winning out over other, baser instincts – the part of me that wants to rip them to shreds, to toss them out a window and see how they feel. But what good would that do? It only serves to escalate the anger, the fear, the discombobulation we are all feeling during this time of great transition. Staying centered and trusting the Universe is paramount.

So I meditate. I pray. I let go of the anger, and I send those people, and all humans for that matter, Love and Light and the hope that some day they may listen to those small voices, who love us so much that they allow themselves to be tossed out of a car window to get our attention. Those small voices, those lives, and the lives of all the humans sacrificed, saying “Wake up! Wake up! Do you really want to go down this path again? Love one another. See yourself in me, a small furred creature, or a human with another color face. We are all the same. We are all part of God. Wake up!”

p.s. The kitten, for those who are wondering, was rescued, doctored, and has found a loving home.

p.p.s Happy birthday today to my mom, who would be 93 if she were still on the planet. She loved all animals, too, especially dogs and cats.

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Ashara Morris is an Animal Communicator and Certified Equine Gestalt Coach who loves all things furred, feathered, scaled, or whatever. She is President and CEO of Harmony’s Heart, LLC, home of Harmony’s Heart Coaching, Harmony’s Heart Animals, and The WindRider Project. Find out more about her and the work being done at Harmony’s Heart at www.harmonysheartanimals.com, www.harmonysheartcoaching.com, or www.thewindriderproject.com.

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I Have My Back

I’d thought that one of the prizes for surviving adolescence was never to be bullied again. I figured that the next time I had to deal with a bully would be when I was protecting my kid. But I was wrong. A bully showed up in my adult life recently and it wasn’t pretty. This fully grown man took the indecent liberty of sending me vicious personal attacks via text message and insinuated that people dear to me agreed with him.

In my last blog, where I talked about compassion, I was dealing with the emotional toll of his attack but I wasn’t yet ready to speak to it directly. Compassion for myself as well as for the darkness in this man helped me immensely in the immediate aftermath.

Although he is no longer in my life—a choice I made to love and protect myself—I’m grateful for the lesson he taught me. He reminded me that the only bully that can truly hurt me is in my own mind. When I have mastery over my thoughts and beliefs about myself, I’ll be truly able to own that old saying that sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me. And until I have that mastery, words will continue to have the power to hurt me. Words that sting only because they point to the doubts and aggressions that exist in my own mind.

Before this event took place, I’d been chewing on a big new idea for loving myself through all my choices and especially through my mistakes.

My big idea is that I ‘have my back.’ ‘Having my back’ means that I don’t second guess my decisions and I don’t shame myself when outcomes disappoint me. I learn from my mistakes and look forward instead of backward. Most of all, ‘having my back’ means that I trust myself to make the best decision I can with the information I have. And while other people’s opinions can certainly provide me with valuable information, their approval or disapproval isn’t critical to my decision making process.

When my horse Sky was recovering from a serious laceration and experts disagreed about the course of his recovery, I took in all the information, and made my decisions about whose advice to follow. When new information came to light and more opinions were offered, I changed course as needed, without looking backward. When I’ve needed to make investments in my business, I have done so in complete trust that the investments are sound. I have my back. And if hopes are dashed and dreams delayed, I will still have my back. Because I know that I’m doing my best moment-to-moment-to-moment.

When this bully targeted me with his vicious words, I wasn’t sure who had my back. I wasn’t sure who was on my side and who might be on his. And it sent me into a tailspin. Until I remembered that I had my own back. And then I knew I’d be A-OK.

Onward and upward!

Emily

Taking a Stand

While a student of the Touched By A Horse Equine Gestalt Coaching Program, I declared Bullying as my niche for my business. I did so because bullying has touched my life in a variety of ways and because I want to make a difference. Bullying exists in all cultures, age groups and society circles. I’m not sure if it’s a small town mentality or if I’m just more aware of it because of the small community but bullying is a huge problem where I live. Bullying is a consistent theme on the Facebook pages for our community. Most of the posts are from mothers and fathers whose children have been bullied and the comments range from one extreme to the other: Report it, talk to the bully’s parents, kick his butt, quit being such a sissy and grow a thicker skin…

Truth is, depending on the situation and people involved all of those solutions might be valid on some degree. I don’t support violence and would not encourage anyone to “kick butt” but I know of an incident where that was the victim’s solution and it worked. This is what makes dealing with the bullying problem so complex. There isn’t one right answer. Sometimes reporting it makes it worse, sometimes it eradicates it. Unfortunately, I speak from experience.  I’ve often wondered if declaring bullying as my niche and taking a stand did not, in some way, manifest it into my life. Have I invited it into my home like an honored guest? It seems the more of a stand I take, the more bullying my family experiences. It has made me question whether I am doing the right thing. Am I fighting a losing battle? Should I slip quietly into the night and be invisible? Should I change my niche? I pondered these questions yet again when my husband told me about another bullying incident he endured at his work. My first response was anger. He should not have to put up with this at work! And he is not the stereotype victim. He is a big guy, former Marine and a 4th degree Black Belt. He could kick some serious butt!! He’s friendly and outgoing, not quiet or insecure. He struggled with whether or not to report it as he’s done so in the past and it either made no difference or it made it worse. I was able to shift from my initial response of anger and into coaching mode. I gave him the following advice:

” You’ve not done anything wrong. Be brave. Elementary kids are getting bullied and pushed around and our society says that’s not ok. Just because you’re an adult doesn’t make it ok.”

“Tell them it hits home with you so hard because you’ve had family members bullied to the point they tried to commit suicide and no longer wanted to live. That’s why you’re taking such a stand. Not really because it hurts your feelings but because it is an unacceptable thing to do to anyone. Their “playing around and joking” may be the very thing that pushes someone over the edge and we all know how prevalent suicide is in our community.”

He was brave and took a stand and it made a difference. The bully offered an apology and it came out that our community’s most recent suicide was a young man who went home from work every day crying. He was a veteran and was being bullied every day at work and ended his own life. This is not ok!

It takes strength, bravery and vulnerability to confront the bully, to take a stand. My advice on how to deal with this particular bullying situation made a difference! So I’m not changing my niche and I’ve put a No Vacancy sign on my door for the bullies that show up. I will continue to take a stand against bullying in all forms and in all places. I will continue to add arrows to my quiver and I encourage you to take a stand as well!

 

 

 

Reinventing the Wheel

This Saturday I will be participating in the 1st Annual Suicide Awareness Walk: Soles Affected, Souls Lost and my equine partner, Pert, will be walking with me to represent Through the Horse and provide support to our fellow walkers. I am very excited about this event as Carbon County, WY ranks extremely high for suicide in both Wyoming and the Nation. My life has been affected by suicide in many ways and I am proud to be a founding member of the Carbon County Suicide Awareness Coalition which began a little less than one year ago. This is the Coalition’s first public event and so we, a core group of just 3-5 people, have been meeting every Friday morning for the past several weeks to make sure we have all of our ducks in a row. After last Friday’s meeting my husband and I were visiting about the planned walk and he commented that he was confused about what my niche was, “was it bullying or had it changed to suicide?”  While I was a student in the Touched By a Horse program I was strongly encouraged to find a niche for my Equine Gestalt Coaching business. Bullying became my niche for multiple reasons so therein lied his source for confusion. I had to contemplate his question. With the amount of suicides here in our little town, unfortunately, I could have plenty of potential clients. But “no, my niche is still bullying”, I told him, “Suicide is just one of the many paths that victims of bullying take.”

This spurred a new thought process. What I pictured was a bicycle wheel. The center hub became the bullying victim and each spoke represented a different path that they could take. Depression, withdraw, become an activist, avoidance, suicide, report it, become a bully themselves, drugs, alcohol, befriend other victims, join a support group – these are just a few I came up with. I see this wheel as being a fabulous tool in coaching sessions and in life! It’s a visual reminder that there are many choices, not all good or desirable but all choices. This breaks it down so we can look at each path, each choice and have a conversation about how each one could serve us or not. When we’re in a situation, so often we can only see one or two paths. It’s like being in a deep, dense forest and trying to hack your way through the undergrowth. If only you could climb a tree and see it from above, you’d likely see several little game trails leading in all directions.

Reflecting on my reinvention of the wheel as I write this, I can see numerous ways to use this tool in my personal life, in my coaching, of course, and in my interaction with others as I continue to face and observe opposition and bullying in our community. It’s a transition of perspective, being able to pan out and see the situation and the different paths leading away from it. For me, it was an easy thing to quickly visualize in my head or even draw on a piece of paper and the more spokes I drew the more spokes I had to keep adding. It helped me to see that I had so many more choices than I originally thought I had! And gosh, if someone who is contemplating suicide, who thinks that suicide is their ONLY path, could see that they have so many other paths available, a life could be saved! Please help me keep the wheels rolling! Share it, talk about it, use it and don’t hesitate to comment or contact me! Suddenly Proud Mary by Tina Turner just popped in my head… Big wheels keep on turning! 🙂

Please join Pert and I in spirit on Saturday as we walk for Soles Affected, Souls Lost.

Drop it at the Gate

The pyramids weren’t built in a day and neither was bullying! The more I think on the subject of bullying, the more complex it gets. The solution seems so simple. Just treat people the way you want to be treated, not HOW you are treated. Get in touch with who you are – BE AUTHENTIC! Ha! Nothing simple there. What’s that old adage… “Easier said than done.” So true!

So why, exactly, is this bullying epidemic so complex? Why isn’t there a simple solution? Well for one, because of social media, often times the bullies are hiding behind anonymity. And secondly, I believe it’s because we are so focused on the problem as a whole and trying to solve it with “kits” and policies and procedures. Those things have their place. Education and tools are so very important and studies show that they are making a difference. But that’s not enough and those things don’t always work. If there is anything I’ve learned from my horses it’s that not every technique or tool works for every horse. They are as unique as we are. I’m sure there are plenty of “professional trainers” that will disagree with me and maybe that’s why I’m not a professional. However, I have trained, retrained and rehabilitated several horses and I’ve had to change my approach, use different techniques and meet each one as an individual. Just because “x,y, and z” worked with horse A doesn’t mean it will work with horse B. AND just because it worked yesterday doesn’t mean it will work today. Horses have taught me to show up with my toolbox, my goals and a good attitude and to drop my agenda at the gate and just BE in the moment.

I recently applied this to a life situation where I had to spend an entire day with people who have bullied me in the past. I had anxiety leading up to the event because all of the things they say to do, I had done. They know what bullying is. They know I find their behavior unacceptable and intolerable. They have been told to quit!  Nothing so far has worked to completely stop the bullying so I had played out in my head a million times what I was going to say if they approached me. Turns out I didn’t have to use any of my prepared speeches. I loaded my verbal toolbox, I set a goal in my mind and then dropped my agenda and my attachment to their crap, their baggage at the gate. Not a single person approached me. Oh, they watched me all day and you could tell that they wanted to say something but they didn’t. That simple shift in me was enough to make them think twice. Did it stop all the talk behind my back? I have no idea. All I know is that at the end of the day, I loaded up and left feeling very good! Exhilarated and triumphant!

So let’s use all the great stuff on bullying that’s available to us. Let’s load up our toolboxes and let’s leave it at the gate if we have to. Let’s remember to look at the individual. Let’s remember that maybe the kid getting bullied is an introvert and so speaking up is going to be more of a challenge for them simply because of their temperament not necessarily because they’re scared to. Let’s remember that the bully might be a huge touchey feeley kind of person living in a facts and data kind of house and they don’t know how to relate or communicate. Let’s look at each person and figure out together what’s going to work best. I want to embrace how the horses show up. I want to BE.

Walking in my truth until next time…

Blame…

Recently, I did a search about bullies, not bullying, bullies. I was a little shocked at how little there was about the bully and why bullies do what they do. If you type in a search about bullying, a million sites come up. There are government sites, educational sites, support group sites, anti-bullying sites, you name it, it’ll be there. There is a whole anti-bullying movement on the web and in society and it’s all focused on the victims. That’s not a bad thing. I’m not criticizing the anti-bullying movement or the approach in dealing with bullying, it’s merely an observation.

As a Equine Gestalt Coach,  whose niche is helping those affected by bullying, I am always looking at both sides of the bullying issue and that means looking at the bully too. That was a new hat for me to wear and it wasn’t a comfortable one at first. The victim hat was an easy one to put on, but the bully hat was not. I had to wear it for a bit and then hang it up. I had to break it in a little at a time, until it was comfortable sitting up there. Trying to see things from the bully’s point of view isn’t easy, especially when you’ve been bullied. It’s easy to cast the bully as a villain, a bad guy in a movie, where everyone cheers when he’s defeated. It’s not as easy to find compassion for them, to look at them without judgment. It’s difficult to NOT blame them.

Now there’s a something to chew on! Don’t blame the bully. Who can we blame if we don’t blame the bully? Bullying wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the bully, right? Absolutely right! However, this is where I am challenging myself and I am asking you to do the same. Don’t blame anyone. Blame is defined as assigning responsibility for a fault or wrong. This is different than the bully being responsible for his or her action. They are, without a doubt, responsible for their actions. But, for me to be able to reach out to the bullies and have true compassion, I have to drop the blame game. I still struggle with that and researching and trying to understand the bully and why they do what they do is helping.

In my search on bullies, I found some interesting facts and theories. It was suggested that bullies do not receive much attention at home and that they are more likely to live in single family homes or at least without both biological parents. Some websites said that bullies tend to hold a negative view of themselves, other sites said the opposite. I found an interesting study about how schools are dealing with the bullying issue and the outcome. I’ve included two of those findings from that study below.

• Actions aimed at changing the behavior of the bullying youth (fighting, getting back at them, telling them to stop, etc.) were rated as more likely to make things worse (Davis and Nixon, 2010).

• Students reported that the most harmful things teachers can do are: tell the student to solve the problem themselves, tell the student that the bullying wouldn’t happen if they acted differently, ignored what was going on, or tell the student to stop tattling (Davis and Nixon, 2010).

Unfortunately, these are some of the very tactics that many schools, in my experience, are using. This is really encouraging me to continue to think outside the box and find a different approach, which brings me right back to the blame thing. There may be a better word or phrase that evolves from this new hat I’ve tried on but, for now, blame just keeps coming to my mind as a word that needs to be eliminated from my vocabulary. Wow, by typing that last sentence, I felt a shift! It felt like it released my inner victim. This new hat is going to fit just fine!

Until next time…

Shift it!

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Bullying

Everyone’s been bullied, right? Think about it. Today we mainly associate bullying with schools, social media, transgenders and gays. It’s big news. But bulling exists on so many different levels. When I was in school, bullying was very direct. It was a shove in the hallway or being called “4 eyes” to my face. Not so much today. It encompasses a much broader spectrum and often you don’t even know who your bully is. The stopbulling.gov website defines bullying as “… unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.” Bullies will use anything to harass and make fun of people. Sometimes what they are making fun of is made up and contorted and sometimes its pretty valid.
For instance, I was a very awkward teenager. That doesn’t mean I deserved to get picked on but looking back at pictures there were plenty of things to choose, from the bully’s stand point. I was pretty scrawny, undeveloped and nerdy. I wore thick glasses and had a really bad haircut thanks to my grandpa who took me to a salon for a “make-over” when I was 12. Yes, sir, I was a target for bullies. I got picked on a lot.

I eventually grew out of that awkwardness. I got contacts, learned how to do my make-up and that horrendous haircut grew out. But the bullying didn’t stop. Now I got made fun of because I was shy and blushed easily. If it wasn’t one thing it was another. What was I doing to attract all this bullying? Why was I their target? I was fortunate that I never let it bother me too much. I wasn’t one of those kids that reverted to self harm as so many do today. It did affect me though. I avoided doing things, so I probably missed out on some really cool stuff back then. I just tried to be invisible.

Five years ago my family and I moved to a small town in Wyoming where we didn’t know a soul. No one knew I was an ugly duckling during my early teen years. No one knew my mother-in-law always remarked on my “poster child legs” when she saw me in shorts. No one knew anything about me. And yet, the bullying began rather quickly.

When it happens I ask myself, “what the heck did I do or say?” “What did I do to them?” And I used to dwell on it, analyzing every little thing I had said and done, the people I had interacted with, driving myself crazy trying to figure out “why”. So here I am in a new place, with new people trying to figure out where I fit in, trying to make this new place my home and I’m being attacked verbally. Lies and rumors were being spread from people I knew but many times anonymously. That’s a brave bully, huh? So I did what I’ve always done, I withdrew. I tried to be invisible. I limited my contact with people and I changed the way I acted when I was in public. I wasn’t me anymore. AND… the slander, rumors and bullying continued. Nothing I did or didn’t do seemed to make a difference.

All has been quiet for awhile but the bullying reared its ugly head again recently. I went through the same pattern of behavior but then I put on the brakes! What is really important here? The truth, that’s what is important. The truth is I can’t stop people from telling lies and spreading rumors. The truth is it’s not even about me, it’s about them. Bullies have their own issues, insecurities, jealousies and baggage.

The truth is I have to be true to myself. So now when someone is bullying me either directly or through the rumor mill I have a process. I can’t completely stop myself from going to that place of analyzing but I can limit it. I run, very quickly, through the last few days and do a little checklist. Nope, nope, nope, nothing and I let it go. Done, over with! It’s a shift of awareness. A transitioning away from the “what did I do”, “what did I say” as if I truly did something to deserve it. I didn’t. We can’t necessarily stop the bullies but we can diminish the power  they have on us, so SHIFT IT!

Michelle L. Sidun